Derelict of the Year 2008
And The Winnders Are:
1st place: Philip "Spider" Foth2nd place: Fred Stevenson and the Elevator
3rd place: Ryan Smith
Congratulations to all the winners and thanks to everyone for voting!
Party Info
Place: 711 N. Perry Ave. north of 4th Street, between 9th and 10th Ave -> Park near the church on 4th Street.
Time: 7pm - ?
Bring: Snacks, food, drinks (alcoholic and non), anything else legal
Nominations
- The Building Thief, Happy Hour Participants, and Shane
- Abhishek Bhattacharya
- Ryan Smith
- David Herzog
- JP Cossey
- Ryan again...and Pei Wei
- Fred Stevenson and the Elevator
- Shane
- Philip "Spider" Foth
- Michael Bishop
- Another one for Ryan
- Casey Warmbrand
- Matt Miller
- Tom Lagatta
- Another One for Ryan
- Dan Champion
- The 120 Textbook
- Another one for J.P.
- Division By Zero
- Abhishek Bhattacharya, Ben Levitt, and Casey Warmbrand
- Office 2007
- Late nomination: Joe Stover
The Building Thief, Happy Hour Participants, and Shane
I nominate for a DOTY whoever it is that's jerking us around and not letting us (i.e. the math department) get a new building. And, as a special anti-DOTY, I nominate Nick Ercolani, for fighting like hell to get us a new building. Kudos to Nick for non-dereliction of duties.
I also nominate for a DOTY everyone who goes to happy hour, including Shane, who has been to every single one all year. That kind of commitment to beer, come rain or (usually) shine, is to be commended and is a shining example to all of us.
Abhishek Bhattacharya
I nominate Abhishek Bhattacharya because he wore a Frito hat around campus all year.
Ryan Smith
I nominate Ryan Smith because, get this - he wore a cape to the final.
David Herzog
Now, it is well known that most graduate students tend not to be the most attentive in lectures (if we show up). A lot of us tend to nod off for three quarters of the lecture or pretend to take notes. David Herzog takes his lack of attention during a lecture to another level. You see, David really wanted to watch a basketball game between his beloved Tennessee Volunteers and the South Carolina Gamecocks. But, David had a dilemma. The game was being played during one of his classes!! Instead of "accidently" missing class to watch the game, David decided to bring his laptop to the lecture so he could watch the game (it was muted at least). While watching the game David looked up repeatedly and nodded to inform the professor that he understood the deep results that were appearing on the board. Unfortunately, David could not watch all of the game as his battery began to run out of power. Saddened, David returned to his normal behaviour in class, which does not include taking notes or actually paying attention. It is for this dereliction that I hereby nominate David Herzog for Derelict of the Year.
Tennessee-89
SouthCarolina-87
JP Cossey
I would like to nominate JP Cossey for writing the following email to 36 people on the Happy Hour email list on January 18th, 2008.
------message from J.P. Cossey-------
Join us today for an extra-special happy hour - the first of the spring semester. We'll go to Gentle Ben's (on University, a block west of campus), so meet us in the lobby at 5 or meet us there.
You may be asking, what's so special about this happy hour? So what if it's the first day of the spring semester? Why does that mean we are going to Gentle Ben's? And for that matter, why should I even go to happy hour anyway? I mean, it's fun and all, but why shouldn't I maybe use that time to get a little more work done?
Well, let me take this opportunity to tell a little story. A little lore from long ago, about how Gentle Ben's became Gentle Ben's, and why we go there for happy hour. It's a strange tale, and probably not even true, but sometimes, on quiet nights when there's a chill in the air, I almost believe it..
My involvement (minimal as it is) in this piece of math department history began last year. I had not yet assumed the mantle of happy hour coordinator from Nick Rogers, but I was a frequent attendee. On the first Friday of spring semester of last year, I decided to skip happy hour, and stick around the office and get a little work done. I thought I was close to proving something interesting, and I wanted to try to iron out a few details. While everyone else was out at happy hour, a couple of odd events happened to me while I was in the office (more on that later). I surely would have forgotten about it and this story would have remained virtually lost to posterity, had not fate, or coincidence, intervened.
Whatever it was that led me there, one day the following week, I happened to find myself in the office of a senior faculty member. I offhandedly mentioned the odd events of the previous Friday, expecting to be laughed at. Instead, his face immediately went white. Now this faculty member, a self-proclaimed dinosaur, has done and seen it all, and I hardly believed he was prone to mysticism or superstition. Which is why the story he told me that day seems almost believable. I'll pass along, as best as I can recall, what he told me that day, and you can take it or leave it.
He began by saying that most secrets were secrets because someone wanted something to stay hidden. But sometimes, something was a secret because those who knew about it couldn't bear the process of actually recounting it. But he said it was important that this legend lived on, so he told me, and I now pass on this story to you.
The Gentle Ben's that we know now did not always go by that name. Decades ago, when this faculty member was just a young upstart, that particular establishment was known as Happy Jack's. The proprietor of Happy Jack's was one Jack Marlowe, a small mountain of a man. He earned the name Happy Jack, as he seemed always jovial, and his hearty laugh would often fill every corner of his establishment. Jack loved his job, and he loved talking to his customers, all of whom he knew by name.
Now Jack Marlowe had but one child, a son named Benjamin (whose mother had died tragically in childbirth). Ben was a quiet boy, and everyone could tell from a very young age that he had been blessed with an exceptional intelligence. His schoolmates nicknamed him Gentle Ben - in that half mocking, half respectful way that nicknames often originate. Despite being quiet, he was not exactly what one would call shy. He was liked by many, disliked by none, and ignored by most.
Since his father mostly worked nights at the bar, and he had no mother at home, young Ben would go to the bar after school until he was old enough to stay at home on his own. On weeknights, there were few customers, so Jack would close off the top floor, and Ben would go up there to do his homework, or watch TV, or keep himself entertained in those odd ways that some solitary kids were so good at before video games. However, on Friday evenings, during happy hour, Happy Jack's was so busy that Jack had no choice but to open the upstairs part, and Ben had to find somewhere else to do his homework.
Luck was on Jack's side. One of the regulars at the bar was one Archie McPhee, a young faculty member here in the math department (though you'll find no record of him - supposedly those records were erased. Rumor has it his office was in fact 305, the very office I'm sitting in now). Jack and Archie were friendly, and Archie had noticed that young Ben had taken an interest in math. So on Friday evenings, during happy hour, Archie would give the keys to his office to Ben and let Ben entertain himself there. Ben loved it there, because he had access to books on mathematical topics that he had never heard of in school. Though his mind was not quite ready to really understand it, he was able to grasp at least a little of the topic that McPhee worked on - non-Eulerian semi-rings.
Anyway, for a while our story progresses typically. The gifted young schoolboy Ben went off to college at an elite big-name school out east, where he majored in math and was immensely successful. He then went on to grad school in mathematics at another elite east-coast school. For his dissertation, he found himself being drawn to the topic of non-Riemannian hyper-squares, which is not unrelated to the non-Eulerian semi-rings that he used to try to understand in McPhee's office.
Ben also found himself being drawn to another grad student in the math department there, one Mary Somerville (a distant relative, actually, of the Mary Somerville whose picture hangs in Math 402 here). She was a firecracker of a woman - whether due to nature or nurture she was imbued with a restless spirit. The only thing that moved quicker than her mind were her darting eyes, always shifting, getting ready for the next move. Mathematics - gifted as she was at it - was just one of her many passions; travel, jazz, poetry, various political causes all kept her so active she seemed to some to be a permanent blur.
Mary and Ben hit it off almost immediately. Though different in many ways, they seemed to complement each other. Where Ben was passive, Mary had an assertiveness that bordered on aggression. Ben knew that sometimes he was easy-going to a fault, and Mary was exactly what he needed. Some of their mutual friends sometimes wondered why someone like Mary would be interested in someone like Ben, but they all agreed that he was better off for it.
Now Ben and Mary were soon wed, and they happened to both finish their dissertations the same year, and thus were on the job market together. As we all know, the so-called two-body problem can be quite difficult. However, Ben and Mary were such top-notch mathematicians that many high-quality departments were very interested in the both of them. One of those departments (in no small part due to the behind-the-scenes maneuvering of Archie McPhee) was our very own math department. Ben leapt at the chance to return to his old stomping grounds, and Mary loved the Tucson weather, as she thought that the cold sapped her vitality. So they came here, both on tenure-track appointments, and were as happy as any two mathematicians have any right to be.
This is as good a time as any to talk a little more about Archibald Finnegan McPhee. Though respected as a brilliant mathematician, he was not exactly loved in the department. He seemed too in love with his own abilities. Someone once said he wore his intelligence the way some people wear fur coats, and it had the same effect on many. All agreed he was brilliant, and not a bad person, exactly, but he just rubbed some people the wrong way. For instance, despite the fact the he was from the south side of London, there were rumors that his British accent was fake.
By the time Ben (along with Mary) had returned to the department, the happy hour tradition was going strong. Every Friday at 5, many in the department would head off to some bar or another for cheap drinks and good conversation (though those who had the misfortune of coming from a business math meeting seemed dulled, with hollow eyes, for some reason). They would still frequently go to Happy Jack's, which by this time was a thriving establishment. Though Archie and Mary would almost always go to happy hour, Ben would not go. He liked to take that time, just as he did as a child, to sit in a quiet office and think about math. In particular, he would always set aside Friday evenings from 5-7 to think about the classification problem for non-Riemannian hyper-squares.
Ben and his father were still on good terms, and they talked frequently. However, there was one thing that Jack would never discuss with his son. It seems that at the occasional happy hours that occurred at Happy Jack's, Jack noticed that his daughter-in-law was being perhaps a little too friendly with Professor McPhee, while Ben was back in the office doing work. Of course part of this was probably due to the social lubricating effect of alcohol, which causes all of us to be a little friendly. But Jack had been around enough drunk people to know when the alcohol caused an attraction, or merely illuminated one that was already there. But Jack would never dare mention this to his son, for fear that it would destroy him. And if the other happy hour attendees did notice anything, they certainly never said anything about it.
On the fateful day - the first happy hour of the spring semester as a matter of fact - Ben was excited because he thought he was finally making real progress in the non-Riemannian hyper-squares problem. He thought he was finally very close to proving the classification theorem. While everyone else was out at happy hour, he slaved in his office - though saying "slaved" implies that he wasn't enjoying it, and truth be told he could hardly think of anything he'd rather be doing. By about 7 o'clock he knew he was very close. He only needed one more little result - something from, of all things, non-Eulerian semi-rings, the very field that McPhee worked in. Noticing that it was about the time that people usually wondered back from happy hour, Ben came down to 305, hoping to catch McPhee stopping by the office to get his stuff before going home. With pages of his notes and results on hand, Ben could feel the anticipation building of finally solving the classification problem he had worked for so long on.
His heart racing, he knocked on the door of 305, McPhee's office, and was pleased to find the door was already partly open, meaning McPhee was in. His excitement would not allow him to wait to actually be invited in, so he pushed open the door - only to find McPhee and his beloved wife in the throes of drunken passion.
Without being overly dramatic, it is enough to say that Ben was speechless. His face ghost-white, his body went limp and his notes fell to the floor. Backing away slowly, his body gained momentum from the rage, and he was seen running from the building at full speed, his face still an almost impossible white.
Ben Marlowe was never heard from again. Nobody ever saw him in the department, and he spoke to nobody. For years, rumors circulated based on no evidence at all. Some say he ended up in an asylum. Others say he moved to a cave in South America. Some even say he went into industry. But no one claims to know for sure, and there is no proof of anything.
Archie McPhee was shamed and embarrassed. He quietly took a leave of absence, and eventually left the department for another school a couple of years later. After having her marriage to Ben annulled, Mary followed Archie. Several years later, Archie published the classification theorem, based largely on the arguments that Ben had developed and left scattered on McPhee's floor. McPhee gave Ben no credit in his paper, but those in the know are confident that all McPhee did was provide a result from non-Eulerian semi-ring theory that filled in a small hole in Ben's argument.
Gentle Ben was never heard from again, but he was seen again. Many years later, after much of the old guard had been replaced by the new, the happy hour tradition was staying alive. Jack, though still outwardly happy, was clearly dead on the inside from the disappearance of his only child. He kept Happy Jack's open to pay the bills. One Friday afternoon, Jack went upstairs to open the second floor to get ready for the happy hour rush. To his horror he found Ben's body there on the table.
The intervening years had clearly not been kind to Ben. His face was still that impossible white, though now wrinkled to a caricature of its former self. The cause of death was never officially determined, though the police said foul play was not suspected. Aside from the wrinkles, there were signs of a strange life indeed. His clothes were oddly Asian in fashion, and his body had several tattoos and scars that no-one remembered before. He had no wallet, keys, watch, or anything else on his person when he was found. All the police found was a picture of Mary in one hand (in the picture, she looked slightly older than she was when Ben left, there was apparently some debate as to whether the picture could possibly have been taken after the incident), and a reprint of McPhee's paper, with the key lemma that Ben needed circled in red.
Nobody dared try to reach McPhee or Mary for comment (though rumor has it they were soon divorced after a brief and unhappy marriage). Jack, finally broken, sold the bar for dirt cheap, under the condition that the name Happy Jack's be replaced by Gentle Ben's.
Time passed, and facts became history, and history became rumors. But according to the old dinosaur telling the story, the rumors soon took a different twist. Strange things started happening around the math department. Elevators would open at floors when nobody had pushed the button. Random scribblings on subjects that nobody cared about or could possibly be studying were found on chalkboards, when the maintenance crew swears they weren't there the night before when they closed up. Printers occasionally made weird sounds, and printed nothing. And books - especially on non-Riemannian hyper-squares - kept going missing from the library (I checked, and could find no books in the library on non-Riemannian hyper-squares).
The strangest thing, though, according to the old professor, was the picture of Mary Somerville (the famous one) in 402. It always had a goatee scribbled on it, and whenever it was erased, the goatee would reappear by the next day. Though there was always someone willing to take credit for various pranks in the department, no one ever claimed credit for that.
Which brings me back to my part of the story. I knew none of this that Friday evening - the first of last spring semester - when I skipped happy hour. While happily working in my office, I was surprised to hear a faint rapping on my door. Not hard, but soft, almost as though whoever was knocking was hoping not to get a response. I was in the middle of a train of thought, so I paused for a second before answering the door. When I opened the door, I found to my surprise that there was nobody there. Curious, I went out into the hall to see if whoever it was could perhaps be waiting for me out there. I saw not a soul out in the hall, but did see a curious thing on the board - a statement and proof about the relationship between non-Riemannian hyper-squares and non-Eulerian semi-rings. The only reason it stuck in my head is because I thought people had stopped working on that problem years ago. That is what turned the kindly old professor's face a pale white. Knowing what I know now, I can understand why. I still think it's someone putting me on - certainly some people have a weird sense of humor. But still, just to be safe, I try not to be around the office on Friday nights when I should be at happy hour. Especially if it's at the place we now call Gentle Ben's.
So join me this evening for happy hour at Gentle Ben's, and we'll raise a glass to the late Ben Marlowe, and mourn the things that life can do to a good man. JP
Ryan again...and Pei Wei
A second nomination for Mr. Ryan Smith and his floppy hat, but most of all, for Pei Wei
Fred Stevenson and the Elevator
Is it necessary to write a poem to nominate a person, or persons? I surely hope not because I hate poetry. So anyway, I propose a dual nomination of Fred Stevenson, and the ever popular Elliot the Elevator. During the course of the Spring semester, Fred and Elliot have been involved in a tempestuous and tumultuous affair, with Fred usually on the losing end. Here's their story:
One day, Elliot the Elevator decided that he needed a break. He just couldn't take any more! Going up and down all day, people in and out, sometimes doing things that they would never do in the presence of others. Some days, being an elevator really sucks. As Elliot was debating as to whether or not he was going to keep working, enter Fred Stevenson. Elliot had decided that he was done for the day and Fred was unwittingly walking into a trap! Fred had no idea that Elliot was in a quarrelsome mood, and with his guileless air, he entered the dark heart of Elliot's domain. With evil intent, Elliot moved half way between floors and just stopped. Enough was enough, Fred with his great weight, was straining what resources Elliot had left. No more would he carry this tremendous burden up, or down! He imprisoned Fred with the intent of holding him for an indeterminate amount of time. Fred cried out for someone to help him hoping that his pleas would be heard. Fortune was smiling upon Fred for his cries were heard and people began to rally to his cause. Concerned that Fred may have a panic attack brought on by the claustrophobic atmosphere of his environs and the malevolent air that surrounds one upon entering Elliot, efforts were quickly made to bring in the cavalry. But everyone had underestimated Fred, with his cool head and his unflappable demeanor, he waiting calmly and patiently for help to arrive. Elliot's nemesis, Carl the Elevator Slayer, was called upon to beat Elliot into submission. Carl, with his tool bag of tricks, performed admirably and Fred was freed from his prison after only a half-hour stay. Fate had yet another adventure in store for Elliot and Fred. On another fine Spring morning, Fred bravely (or foolishly) enter again into Elliot. Farther away in our great city, a genius of construction cut the power to a quarter of the city just as Elliot's doors closed trapping poor Fred yet again! Fred's cool head and lightning like reflexes stood him in good stead as he managed to pry open the doors and land safely on the first floor. Elliot was left empty and lonely without his erstwhile companion. This concludes the story of Elliot and Fred, who should win the award for DOTY.
There is a moral to this story; if you see Fred Stevenson entering Elliot the Elevators domain, run!
Shane
Shane, Hey do you want to play Ultimate Frisbee...
Philip "Spider" Foth
He gets drunk at the integration workshop and dances on the tables! He proudly shows students videos of himself torturing his cat (Video here), earning him the nickname "Spider-Cat"! I nominate the math department's very own Uncle Ernie - the one, the only, . . . friendly neighborhood ... Philip Foth.
Michael Bishop
It is fun to watch the new first years come in believing they know everything about mathematics, and that they should be given privileges that most people get only in their third year or later. Most first years begin to realize by there second semester that they have a lot to learn and have to work their way through the ranks like everyone else. There are a few people though, who are not as quick as everyone else. I am referring to Michael Bishop, one of the first year students here. Everyone knows that you must pass your quals to be eligible for VIGRE funding, well almost everyone. Some believe a magical exception will be made just for them. Michael applied for VIGRE funding for next year. When asked if he saw the box that asks if you have passed the quals he simply replied, "Yeah, that is a bit of a stumbling block." All first year should be allowed one foolish mistake without too much criticism. But it has been rumored that Michael has put linear algebra as one of his teaching preferences for next year (apparently he isn't getting VIGRE funding). Again, I only know of grad students in at least their third year who teach that course, but then again none of those third years is Michael. By the way, he has a really nice fishing hat.
Another one for Ryan
The cape mentioned in a previous story is far more involved than meets the eye.
The story of the cape was related to me in this manner:
The room was bustling. Students were scratching at the door to enter the auditorium to take their final exam. A few instructors were making sure that the room was in order. One such instructor pulled a crumpled black cloth from his knapsack. No one thought much of it at the time. How wrong they were. Students took their seats. That cloth was unveiled and was shown to be none other than a huge, flowing, billowing black cape. The kind of cape where a black hat and spectacle would have fit perfectly. Many were disturbed, but none was so brave as to speak up. The test began. Conversation quieted and pencils scratched. Instructors looked over the crowd to search for wandering eyes. As anyone who has proctored a test knows, sometimes one vantage point is not enough. One needs to move about to search for rule-breakers. When one has a cape, this becomes all the more enjoyable - for the person doing the walking. The pacing, one must guess, is not so enjoyable to the students when the billowing cape is knocking tests off their desks and brushing past their faces. For this derelict-icious behavior, I second the nomination for Ryan Smith. To throw off the throws of responsibility in teaching requires true dedication to dereliction.
Casey Warmbrand
Casey Warmbrand - for convincing his instructor to move class to accommodate his schedule and then rarely coming and not giving a presentation.
Matt Miller
In recent times, the derelict-of-the-year award has turned into a character-of-the-year award — we nominate people on the basis of once or twice having done something funny. Let's return to our roots and put forth someone who brought dereliction to historic heights — someone so truly negligent that he isn't even here. That's right — I nominate Matt Miller in absentia. I will let the following say the rest about this musician-turned-mathematician-turned-musician.
Matt came and went
Like the times that he spent
Cutting class, skipping cores with mad intent
He showed up and we'd smile
It would last for a while
You don't know a passing grade till you lose it all again
Listen to the mandolin rain
Listen as grad school evaporates
Listen to our hearts break every time he runs away
Listen to the banjo wind
A sad song drifting low
Listen to the tears roll
Down our faces as he turns to go
The last time we met
Was between sets
On open-mike night at the Epic Cafe
He did his time
Keeping school off his mind and there are moments
That I find, math just wasn't that strong
(Chorus)
Teaching maybe eased the pain?
No, he did hate lecturing those freshmen
It played on the chalkboard like fingernails
Now classes will soon start all over again
(Chorus)
The new first-years came in
I saw their eyes start to spin and I
Thought about him when I saw their sanity go
I can't change his mind
I knew all the time that he'd go
But that's a choice he made long ago
(Chorus)
Tom Lagatta
(An homage to the Gonzo school of journalism)
LAST DANCE IN SLC
Wierd vibes near Salt Lake...the decadence of academia...do you know your peers?
It seemed like a reasonable thing to do. This meeting of experts in their mathematical fields, educational administrators, advanced students and other dignitaries would last for three weeks after all. Is there so much harm in a little fun? How could things get out of control?
We borrowed a truck from the daughter of a local freak in Park City and drove down to Salt Lake City for kicks. Upon arrival, we located a downtown Italian joint that another derelict tipped-off Tom onto. "This place serves liquor," Tom said. Our colleagues, Alexis and Eric, where respectable disciples of mathematics from across the pond, ABD's just weeks from defending, and no strangers to strong drink. Quickly after our arrival in the establishment, we were hushed, and several times more after that. Cocktails, poured from bottles with strange 'flavorings' labels (in adherence to a Utah tradition of hard alcohol only be served through legal loopholes), flowed continuously around the table, always seeming to originate from the hands of Tom LaGatta. In the end, we were allowed to finish our meals, but will not be welcomed back: our jokes and mockery of local customs were found distasteful.
The city became confusing after dark, and I soon became lost in the spectacle of the bizarre place. I had broken up with the rest of the group and eventually found myself in a swell of jackmormons at concert by a Jamaican named 'Scratch' held within plain sight of the central Tabernacle - nothing seemed to fit anymore - I desperately needed to find the others. My memory is shaky, but I remember Tom picking me up and driving me to a bar Eric and Alexis were still at, the type of joint one would not expect without staring deeply into the cracks of Utahan society. Lowlifes and outcasts hovered around pool tables and slurred country karaoke; all the women seemed to know Tom by now, and the bartenders seemed intensely perturbed by him - just my association with Tom resulted in tense exchanges with the staff. I played pool with Alexis, but he was quickly losing his train of thought, unsure of who was winning, upsetting the locals.
Later, the sound of truly awful karaoke. When I circled towards the stage to heckle the 'singer,' I suddenly realized it was Tom! The crowd had turned on him long ago. Tom had to leave quickly. Alexis was incapacitated; Eric and I were still trying to quell an uprising against Tom's rendition of "Last Dance with Mary Jane" when Tom himself arrived back inside the bar, now dressed completely in orange. Tom lied, "Back off! These men are Doctors of Mathematics!" This only angered the locals more, and we narrowly avoided violence while escaping.
It was the early morning, predawn, and three of us were drunk, when we finally made it back to the hotel - perhaps most disturbingly of all, Tom had endured the entire night completely sober, drove us all back to Park City in the early morning and was schmoozing with the big wigs at the breakfast buffet by 8. His means are unscrupulous, and for this, I nominate Tom Lagatta DERELICT OF THE YEAR.
Another One for Ryan
Shelves, ladies and germs, shelves.
During one of Mr. Pei Wei's much heralded early morning office hours, Ryan decided that the shortage of seats implied that a flimsy piece of office furniture could support his Kung Pao n' Lemon Pepper chicken fed body. He was wrong. So, in front of his students and one of his office mates, he sat on and broke a shelf to the delight of all present.
Also, he monopolizes the giant metal office shelf as well. Out of six shelves, he has taken four, full over a complete tea set (dong ding, jade cloud, and royal phoenix are among the teas present), bike helmet (on Kevin's shelf), over-sized novelty notebooks, and various crisp number theory textbooks. Moreover, he uses the top of bookcase for various water jugs and a big floppy old lady hat.
Dan Champion
On the night before the final VIGRE proposals were due, Dan Champion pops his head into my office to ask if it is appropriate to submit his proposal in TeX. His first draft consisted of a couple of pages typed up in Microsoft Word, which was sure to impress the committee! Between this derilication, showing off his nipples during qual prep, and thinking that he could prove that the Universe is compact as a simple corollary of a theorem in Riemannian geometry - Dan is the next Derelict of the Year.
The 120 Textbook
Did you know that a^n/b^n = a/b for all n? Did you know that e^{-4} is rational? If you took Math 120R at the University of Arizona, you probably do. These glaring errors (one of them in a "blue box" no less!) as well as others occur frequently in the Math 120R textbook.
But wait - there's more! One would think that long division of polynomials is a standard topic in a precalculus course. Not so fast, says the Math 120R textbook, which thinks such topics beneath its dignity. Nor would this book even consider treating logarithms with arbitrary bases. Nope, only the natural and common logs are good enough for this book! Never mind that it forces Math 120R students to think that there are two distinct sets of log properties, that doesn't matter to any civilized mathematician.
So what is important to the Math 120R textbook? A simple glance at the index of this glorious bible of undergraduate mathematics shows what mathematicians really care about. The temperature of yams? Yep, its there! The Mummy Returns? That's there too (listed under "The")!
This textbook really knows how to avoid its duty, and should be strongly considered for this year's derelict of the year award.
Another one for J.P.
The pickings are slim this year. Someone wearing a cape? A Frisbee player? A former student? Like Homer, we live in a fallen age — a time in which we can only tell tales of the mighty heroes of yesteryear. O Wayne! O Anya! Yes, the sobering fact is that we have a large crowd of nose-to-the-grindstone people in the department these days. Which brings me all the closer to my point.
James P. Cossey: Group theorist. Educator. Speaker. Future Buckeye. ... yes, I suppose, he is all of these things. But what I will remember of this man from his three years here is his dedication to the cause of Friday Happy Hour, that gathering which he held together by the sheer and strenuous force of his personal will. (That, and the multiple rounds he bought the evening after his last job interview at the Joint Meetings in San Diego. I'd love to tell you all what happened that evening, but the point is, I don't remember. It all got blurry around the time J.P. started the one-man karaoke-without-a-mike.) J.P. Cossey, single-handedly, is the one pulling our dull noses off that grindstone. Ladies and gentlemen of the plebiscite, this is not only dereliction, but dereliction with leadership.
Division By Zero
I nominate Division By Zero, the math department softball team. With three winless games in the regular season, Division by Zero then went on to their pity postseason game for..... another loss. At practices, the Division by Zero team would stand in awe watching the elementary school girls' team practicing on the next field over. Division by Zero was just kind of generally pathetic this year, not even spectacularly pathetic in a manner conducive to writing a witty DOTY nomination-- no close games, only to dash fans' hopes with a single error. No one getting beaned in the face with a softball, or hitting themselves with the bat on a swing. Just... kinda.... lame.
Abhishek Bhattacharya, Ben Levitt, and Casey Warmbrand
This nomination is left as an exercise for the reader.
Office 2007
I nominate Office 2007 for the Derelict of the Year Award. Nothing else has single-handedly caused such a disruption among Business Math instructors, and divided the entry-level tutoring room! Who's idea was it to switch the entire campus over to 2007, without support for those poor individual departments? (Hmmm, maybe that person should actually be the one nominated....)
Late nomination: Joe Stover
Hi. Here is my own self nomination...As you may know, I was in a band for many years. I just figured it is a good
story to tell.
I was always the designated driver, so my driving shift was always after shows
often until 3am when we would stop somewhere and several times driving all
night... it's amazing I made it this far. I won't go into detail about
how much
homework I didn't do, but I made out like a bandit. But isn't that part
of grad
school experience, messing sh*t up, but pulling it off in the end? Plus Tabor
gave me a D in Advanced methods. I skipped that class once to play a show on
the Mall, still not sure about how he figured that out...
Here is our complete list of shows, notice that in 2003 we were out of town
almost every other weekend. And don't forget all the band practice and
recording sessions. Another thing to notice is that we have played back
to back
shows in El Paso/San Diego and Albuquerque/Houston. That was fun...
Manifold Shows:
2002
March 23 Tucson AZ - Solar Culture - w/ Engine Down
April 19 Phoenix AZ - Joe's Grotto - w/Edgar Bean and Namaste
April 20 Tucson AZ - Che's Lounge
May 5 Tucson AZ - Club Congress - La Cerca - Manifold - John Vanderslice
June 10 Tempe AZ - Bash on Ash
June 14 Tucson AZ - Mac Daddy's - w/ Innisfail
June 22 Tucson AZ - The Backstage - w/ Innisfail, The Sound Distraction, and
Pariah
June 28 Hollywood CA - Zen
June 29 Van Nuys CA - McReds
July 6 - Tucson AZ - Che's Lounge w/ Play Alpha
July 10 - Phoenix AZ - Hollywood Alley - w/ Innisfail and GTC
July 11 - El Paso TX - Bombardiers - w/ Alchemy
July 13 - Tucson AZ - The Backstage - featuring Tongue Dried Sun, Manifold,
Innisfail and Naked Eye.
July 19 - Tucson AZ - North on 4th - w/ Innisfail, 3 Degrees of Freedom (CO)
July 20 - Las Cruces NM - The Club - 1200 Foster Rd. Las Cruces NM - Alchemy
August 10 - Tempe AZ @ Minder Binders - Black Dog Promotions
August 17 - Las Vegas NV @Cooler Lounge - /w The Fuckers (CA)
August 24 - Tucson @ Backstage w/ Namaste, Sound Distraction, Invictus,
and Mad
7
August 30 - Scottsdale AZ @ Chasers - w/Namaste, Digital E, and The Fall In
October 4 - Tucson AZ - CLUB CRAWL - Where: CHE'S LOUNGE on 4th AVE
October 23 - Tucson AZ @ Club Congress - w/ The Deludes, and Jim Yoshi Pileup.
9PM
October 24 - Tucson AZ @ Plush - w/ The Stellas and Hobnail Root - 9PM - $5.
November 2 - Phoenix AZ - @ Chasers - w/ Sinker and Halogen. $4 - 9PM.
November 16 - Tucson AZ - @ The Backstage w/ 7 Days of May and
Lovemound. 9PM $5
November 23 - Las Vegas NV - @ Cooler Lounge - midnight - w/ Bitterface and
Reqquiem.
Dec 12 - Tucson AZ - @ Club Congress - Stunning Tonto Records Compilation CD
Release Party
Dec 14 - Tucson AZ - @ Plush outdoor stage for the 4th avenue Street Fair
Dec 19 - Tucson AZ - @ Club Congress - w/ Dead Meadow(Matador Records). Doors
Open at 9PM
2003
JANUARY
Jan 02 - Tucson AZ - @ Plush - w/ 4th Plane Jaiant (Portland OR)
Jan 03 - Tucson AZ - @ North - 4th Avenue - $5 in advance or $6 at the
door. w/
Paste, Omron, and Starscream. We go on at midnight. 520 270 5309 for tickets.
Jan 09 - Tucson AZ - @ Billiards (Speedway and Wilmot) - ALL AGES 7PM Doors -
Manifold, Blind Greed, Irate, School Yard Fight, Distorted. $7
Jan 11 - Scottsdale AZ - @ Chasers - w/ 2cents, Outta Body, Every7 -
(headline)
Jan 15 - Tucson AZ - @ Club Congress - w/ The Headlands Band and Mistletoe -
(headline)
Jan 16 - Tucson AZ - @ 7 Black Cats - w/ The Yellow Cabs
Jan 29 - Tucson AZ - @ Club Congress with Great American Tragedy and
Anatomical
Snuffbox - 9PM
Jan 31 - Tucson AZ - @ Plush - The Live and Local New Year Bash - w/ Cathy
Rivers, Jesse Stanley, Chris Burroughs, The Solace Brothers and Red Switch. We
go on at 11PM but come early!!
FEBRUARY
Feb 04 - Tucson AZ - @ North - with Innisfail - 9PM
Feb 22 - Tucson AZ - @ The Rock - w Ph8
Feb 28 - Tucson AZ - @ 7 Black Cats - w/ Innisfail, 7 Days of May, and Kristie
MARCH
Mar 07 - Tucson AZ - @ The Rialto Theatre - Rock for Rialto benefit show with
Truck, Gorilla Behind Bars, the Solace Brothers and Sunday Afternoon. 8PM.
Mar 08 - Tucson AZ - @ Che's Lounge starting @ 11-11:30 - The Deludes will be
playing before us starting around 10:30. At Che's (as always) there is no
cover.
Mar 09 - Tucson AZ - Radio Appearance on 96.1 KLPX - listen in from 10-11PM.
SPRING 2003 WEST COAST TOUR
-All Dates Confirmed Unless Otherwise Noted-
Mar 12 - Tucson AZ - @ Club Congress w/ Pinback
Mar 14 - Seattle WA - @ Doc Maynard's
Mar 15 - Tacoma WA - @ Neeners w/ The Mexican Blackbirds
Mar 16 - Seattle WA - @ The Central
Mar 17 - Boise ID - @ JD's
Mar 18 - Payette ID - @ The Sundance
Mar 19 - Portland OR - Ash Street Saloon
Mar 20 - San Francisco (Oakland) CA - @ The Stork Club
Mar 21 - Los Angeles CA - @ Liquid Den
Mar 22 - Las Vegas NV - @ Cooler Lounge
Mar 24 - Tucson AZ - @ KXCI 91.3 Radio Broadcast with Don Jennings.
Mar 29 - Tucson AZ - @ Plush -
APRIL
April 11 - Las Vegas NV - @ Cooler Lounge - w/ Houston
SUMMER 2003
SUMMER TOUR 2003
June 13 ? Albuquerque @ ATOMIC CANTINA
June 14 ? Houston TX @ SIDECAR PUB
June 15 ? Austin TX @ THE VIBE
June 16 ? off
June 17 ? New Orleans LA @ THE HI-HO
June 18 ? OFF
June 19 ? Little Rock AR @ DOWNTOWN MUSIC
June 20 ? off
June 21 ? Omaha NE @ RANCH BOWL(cancelled)
June 22 ? Kansas City MO @ THE HURRICANE
June 23 ? Indianapolis IN @ BIRDY'S(cancelled)
June 24 ? Nashville TN @ ROCKET TOWN
June 25 ? St. Louis MO - THE WAY OUT CLUB
June 26 ? Wichita KS @ KIRBY'S
June 27 ? Denver CO @ 15th STREET
June 28 ? Salt Lake City UT @ THE JUNCTION
July 01 ? Phoenix AZ @ NITA?S HIDEAWAY
July 04 - Las Vegas NV @ DESERT BREEZE PARK- RED, WHITE, and BOOM - July 4th
Festival(cencelled)
July 05 - Las Vegas NV @ THE HUNTRIDGE
July 11 - Tucson AZ @ CLUB CONGRESS - CD RELEASE SHOWCASE -
July 16 - Tucson AZ @ CITY LIMITS - w/ Vendetta Red and Vaux - FREE SHOW
July 24 - Los Angeles CA @ THE JOINT
AUGUST
Aug 02 - Tucson AZ @ CHES LOUNGE w/ Scratching the Surface
Aug 06 - Tucson AZ @ CLUB CONGRESS - w/ The Deludes, Red Switch and
more - FREE
- HEADLINE
Aug 08 - Tucson AZ @ PLUSH w/ Sloth (Tomb Raider Soundtrack band)
Aug 13 - Tucson AZ @ SOLAR CULTURE w/ Party of One (Fat Cat Records)
Aug 28 - Tucson AZ @ THE RIALTO THEATRE - ALL AGES
Aug 29 - Las Vegas NV @ THE BOSTON
Aug 30 - Albuquerque NM @ ATOMIC CANTINA
SEPTEMBER
Sept 04 - Tucson AZ @ PLUSH
Sept 19 - Las Vegas NV @ THE BOSTON
OCTOBER
Oct 01 - Tucson AZ @ CLUB CONGRESS w/ Party of Helicopters (velocette records)
Oct 02 - Tucson AZ @ NORTH
Oct 04 - Tucson AZ @ THE RIALTO THEATRE - CLUB CRAWL - 10PM
Oct 10 - Albuquerque NM @ ATOMIC CANTINA
Oct 11 - Flagstaff AZ @ MONTE VISTA
Oct 13 - Phoenix AZ @ MODIFIED w/ 31 Knots (54 40 or Fight! Records) -
ALL AGES
Oct 17 - Tucson AZ @ SKRAPPY'S - localpalooza - ALL AGES
Oct 18 - Tucson AZ @ PLUSH - Camp Courageous CD release show
Oct 21 - Tucson AZ @ CLUB CONGRESS w/ The Burden Brothers - Ex Toadies and
Revered Horton Heat
Oct 23 - Tucson AZ @ THE ROCK w/Camp Courageous, IS To Feel and more
Oct 24 - Los Angeles CA @ THE KNITTING FACTORY
NOVEMBER
Nov 01 - San Francisco CA @ KIMO'S w/ Four Minute Mile
Nov 06 - Tucson AZ @ PLUSH w/ Singapore Sling
Nov 07 - Tucson AZ @ THE RIALTO THEATRE - ALL AGES w/ Houston
Nov 08 - Las Vegas NV @ CAFE ROMA w/ Houston - All Ages
Nov 08 - Las Vegas NV @ COOLER LOUNGE w/ Houston
Nov 16 - Hollywood CA @ THE KNITTING FACTORY w/ Houston
Nov 20 - Tucson AZ @ UNIVERSITY OF AZ - on the mall @ noon. Free- All Ages
Nov 20 - Phoenix AZ @ NITA'S HIDEAWAY w/ Houston, Posture, Batter The Drag
Nov 21 - Flagstaff AZ @ MONTE VISTA w/ Houston
Nov 22 - Albuquerque NM @ ATOMIC CANTINA w/ Houston
Nov 23 - Tucson AZ @ CLUB CONGRESS w/ Pretty Girls Make Graves, Houston, Cobra
High
DECEMBER
Dec 05 - Tucson AZ @ 7 Black Cats w/ Nowhere Man
Dec 06 - Tucson AZ @ CHE'S LOUNGE w/ Play Alpha
Dec 12 - Los Angeles CA @ THE KNITTING FACTORY w/ The Solace Bros
Dec 17 - Tucson AZ @ CITY LIMITS - ALL AGES
2004
Jan
Feb
MARCH
Mar. 5 ? Tucson AZ @club congress w/ batter the drag and dead meadow
APRIL
Apr 10 ? Tucson AZ UA spring fling
Apr 17 - Tucson, AZ club crawl, KLPX main stage midnight
Apr 23 ? Flagstaff, AZ @ monte vista w/ batter the drag
3/5/04 congress
4/17/04 congress clubcrawl
4/23/04 flagstaff
5/1/04 plush
5/5/04 plush lowflying owls
5/11/04 congress constantines, chango malo
5/22/04 the club Las Cruces
5/24/04 *N/A *ZIA cd sales
6/11/04 7BlackCats w/ istofeel, dekari connection
6/12/04 la nuit w/ mister metaphor,mission statement
7/12/04 TOUR2004
7/17/04 the club Las Cruces
8/13/04 fat cats
8/14/04 the door
8/20/04 cooler lounge
9/15/04 KRUX lascruces birthday bash
9/17/04 club congress
9/24/04 surly wench BAM festival
10/16/04 KFMA stage club crawl
10/23/04 che's w/YOA
11/5/04 surley winch w/ bombs for bored, chango malo
11/12/04 emerald lounge w/ batter the drag, prime, switch
11/25/04 atomic cantina
11/26/04 launchpad
2005
1/21/05 Club Congress w/ CC,lowcloudcover,year
2/19/05 Roller Derby
3/4/05 Plush w/ some bands from california
3/29/05 Congress bombs for bored, music video
4/1/05 Plush music video, awake and alert
4/16/05 Club crawl
4/22/05 Elpaso T-lounge
4/23/05 SanDiego BusterDaly's
4/30/05 Emerald Lounge
5/5/05 Plush w/ bombs for the bored -CIncMayoshow
5/20/05 Atomic Cant. Alb.NM w/ traindodge
5/21/05 Plush w/ traindodge
6/11/05 Plush w/ knockout pills, easy action
6/23/05 Plush w/the black angels & old man
6/25/05 4whitewalls
7/29/05 modified w/ BTD & philly friends, chiefbeef,
7/30/05 surly winch w/ BTD & philly friends
8/5/05 congress w/ chan.cope,blind divine, MS
9/16/05 congress CampC cd release
9/24/05 surly wench BAM
11/4/05 congress w/ bombs, YOA
11/18/05 Congress w/ BTD, camp, chango
Then we played maybe 2 shows in 2006 and that was it...
Well, I am graduating now.