Derelict of the Year 2012
And The Winners Are:
1st place: Yusuke "Math Dragon" Shimabukuro2nd place: Professor Volodja "The All Rounder" Zakharov
Congratulations to all the winners and thanks to everyone for voting!
Party Info
Friday, May 11th, 7pm at Toby and Katy's
1731 E. Adelaide Drive, Tucson, AZ 85719
Bring food and drink to share!
Nominations
- Last year's DOTY committee
- Professor Volodja Zakharov
- Jordan Allen-Flowers
- Sylvia Anderson
- The CalcuBus
- Professor Schmaul Schmresslof
- Stephen Trefethen
- Alex Young
- Yusuke Shimabukuro
Last year's DOTY committee
I nominate last year's committee for their abysmal performance. 'Nough said
(See also: Last year's nomination)
Professor Volodja Zakharov
Nomination of Volodja Zakharov, the all rounder, for the 2012 DOTY award.
I don't know if there is an age limit for nominations but there is certainly no age limit when it comes to acts of dereliction. Sufficeth to say that this nominee, a Regents' Professor who has won every award and honor that science and poetry can offer and who has courageously championed defiance to every act of oppression in his native land from the time of Breshnev to the modern day antics of Rasputin Putin, has also left in his wake a long trail of mindless indiscretions which qualify him uniquely for this coveted award. Now, I regret that my sense of civility and decorum does not allow me to recount the full gallery of anecdotes but there are two which stand out and illustrate the depths of childlike behavior and ineptitude to which my learned and good friend can sink.
Incident number one took place in a small village called Cargese on the island of Corsica and, were it not for the adept handling of the matter by his more diplomatic colleagues, could have reignited the Battle of Borodino. The occasion was a Saturday night celebration after a hard day's science at the world renowned Physics Institute. Certainly Jack Daniels has a lot to answer for and the exact sequence of events which followed and those responsible are still in dispute but the upshot is that the occupant of the hotel room directly beneath our learned colleague's woke up on the Sunday morning to the steady drip of a full bodied Corsican red wine splattering off his teeth. Needless to say, the proprietor, whose ancestors had followed Napolean on the 1812 campaign and whose berry wearing sons bore a close resemblance to stars of the world wide wrestling circuit, was a tad displeased, less it must be said for the guest in the room below and more because of the large red stain on the ceiling. A furious round of diplomacy was required to save our hero from the losing end of a nasty punchup but happily the matter was eventually settled by the exchange of a little cash, apologies and gifts, the most important of which was a signed copy of our hero's finest verse. It should be noted that, consistent with Corsican tradition, the signature was not in ink but in blood.
The second incident exemplifies the sheer ineptitude of our man in matters of indoor plumbing and outdoor planning. We had spent the most delightful weekend on the Volga, eating, swimming and tasting the local products of fermentation. We left the return until after dark and discovered to our dismay that the Lada could either supply power to the engine or the headlights but not to both. Since sitting on the banks of the Volga until daylight was not an option, we took off on the highway like a small dark ghost travelling in the wakes of some mighty trucks whose small rear red lights were our only means of illumination. The truck drivers were at first a little intimidated thinking that we were bandits who roamed the Russian highways in those days but we managed to convince them firstly that all we wanted was some meagre bit of light to follow and secondly that they would clearly have the advantage in any collision that might occur. On and on we hurtled through the Russian night at sixty plus miles per hour with only the dim lights and the black shadow of the truck ahead to guide us and keep us from flying off the road. After several adventures, including getting a pushstart from none other that some local mafia lads, we made it back to Chernogolovka just before dawn. As we drew into the parking lot outside the apartment, the gear stick came away in my hand. It has never been replaced and indeed the Lada remains sitting where it was parked all those years ago. I believe that it will remain there even after the statue gets built as a reminder that whereas our hero is good at many things, mechanics and journey planning are not two of them.
Recognition by the DOTY voting cohort would please our hero no end and would finally confirm the fact that he is not just a brain but a genuine allrounder.
Jordan Allen-Flowers
I call the attention of the doty committee to one Jordan Allen-Flowers. Mr. Allen-Flowers is a third year in the Applied Mathematics Program who loves the great outdoors. During this year's winter holiday Jordan had the chance to go backpacking in Peru with a friend from high school. He could not say no. Booking his tickets to miss the first few days of the second semester because who knows when he'd get back to Peru.
As the semester got underway, he absence was noticed. A few days past his expected return date he had still not returned to America. It was explained one day by a professor who put is bluntly. "One of your classmates lost his passport and is detained in South America."
Somewhere along his travels, Jordan's passport went missing and he could not exit Peru or return to America. It took a solid week for the US embassy to secure his transport back to Tucson, all the while missing the first two weeks of class.
When asked how he lost his passport, Jordan said, "I think it fell out of my pocket while I was napping on a bus."
If getting stuck in Lima doesn't get you a doty, then I don't know what does.
Sylvia Anderson
I nominate Sylvia Anderson for her willful destruction of the photocopier during finals when it is needed the most. We know the Ricoh likes to jam up and taunt you with flashing lights, but yanking out random wires with pliers is not the proper response.
The CalcuBus
The Derelict Of The Year is an occasion to honor the irresponsible acts and the hedonistic impulses that we all share. By celebrating the outstanding achievements of a few, we take pride in the culture of solid accomplishment of the entire department.
That said, I would like to change the subject and request a moment of recognition for the member of the Math Dept that has received the most abuse and complained the least over the past year: the Arizona Mathematics Road Show Bus, also known as the CalcuBus, also known as Marilyn.
Marilyn was born in 1981 at the Fort Valley Georgia Bluebird Bus Body factory, and for many years transported children for the Tucson Unified School District. Upon retirement Marilyn was sold at TUSD auction to the rock band "Mr Free and the Satellite Freakout" (www.facebook.com/mrfreeandthesatellitefreakout). She served them well as tour bus / living quarters for several years, and even as an emergency concert venue! The band built a small stage in Marilyn's rear portion, so to speak, and played while a small audience reclined on pillows in the front.
When Marilyn developed transmission trouble Mr Free et al had to choose between spending a couple thousand to fix her, or selling her for $1000 and using the cash to produce a CD. Thus it was that she passed into the ownership of The Physics Factory (www.physicsfactory.org), a science outreach program that Prof Bruce Bayly is developing a new Math program for, and she got a nice new trannie along the way.
Marilyn was excited to learn that she would become a Math Bus, until she discovered that there is already a Math Bus on the internet that is not at all suitable for children (www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6K5K8QQw00). So she took the name CalcuBus (which we are still trying to finish painting), official vehicle of the. Arizona Mathematics Road Show. As a small triumph, we got the license plate "MATHBUS"!
Since then Marilyn has been painted and repainted, driven all over Arizona from Flagstaff to Naco, abandoned for weeks at Biosphere 2, and subjected to emergency fuel line repairs by an individual whose relevant prior experience consisted of asymptotic analysis of the Navier Stokes equations. Nevertheless she takes it all without complaining, though it is not exactly a compliment when the driver makes a habit of wearing noise-cancelling headphones.
But there are also treats, such as occasionally being the guest of honor at the Arizona Science Center or other classy venues. Rumor has it there may even be a photo shoot at London Bridge in the near future, if Dr Bayly can figure out how to get Marilyn across the Atlantic!
Professor Schmaul Schmresslof
The DOTY has never, to my knowledge, been awarded to an individual outside of our fine department. However, one visiting speaker deserves serious consideration for giving a lecture that we'll never forget. His use of multimedia, particularly video, raised the bar to a new level for the Applied Math Colloquium, and for the future of dereliction.
Stephen Trefethen
Stephen Trefethen, the Minstrel of 224
The path of the graduate student is an arduous one. If anything can be said to bind us all together, it is our common frustrations. How many of us have found ourselves striving fruitlessly in the computer lab late at night, clutching an empty coffee cup like a talisman against the darkness?
But this year, the burden of the graduate student has felt a little lighter. Why, you ask? I tell you, it is the Minstrel of 224, whose voice rises in our darkest hours, to rejuvenate our spirits and relieve our minds. The cold aloofness of mathematics gives way to the warm embrace of fellowship as the Minstrel's song washes all around us. It is said in the legends that his voice transcends physical boundaries--I can attest to the truth of this tale, for on many a night I have heard his voice ring far and wide through the Math building (or maybe he's just very loud?).
Let us honor the Minstrel, surely sent by the Muses themselves to provide us some epsilon of solace: Stephen Trefethen.
Alex Young
Nomination for first year Alexander "Tank Tops and Rolling Rocks" Young
I am elated to see that the DOTY tradition has survived the trying efforts of last year's committee. The DOTY Committee has been featured in the nominations, but we should embrace the motto "forgive and/or forget" if for no other reason than that they couldn't secure last year's number one spot. However, to ensure that the DOTY has a long life, we nominate Alex Young, a first year in the Applied Mathematics Program for his uniquely communicable dereliction.
It has been rumored that Alex spent an entire night *helping *a few first year students study for the following day's analysis exam. Commendable you may say, until you learn that he also *helped *upwards of three or more bottles of wine to their expiry. Bouts of "closed and bounded" enter the annals of the drunken, so confidently uttered between projectile groans. If you know Dr. Choi, you'll understand how pleasantly confused she was by his performance and squinty, bloodshot eyes.
Sometime later, the victor in the aforementioned battle against the bottle, Alex was enjoying March Madness. While dozing in and out of what should only be described as an analysis exam haze, he was not fit to notice flies and other bugs congregating in his home, entering through the patio doors. Slumping once again into the recliner, he finally noticed the stadium of insects enjoying the game, hundreds upon hundreds of them gathered on the ceiling. Days passed before his poorly hung traps and flip-flops---SPLAT!---successfully reduced their population below the extinction threshold. The resulting contagion differs from his dereliction, but befitting our nominee none the less.
Alex Young, adopting the mantra of "Tank Tops and Rolling Rocks," initiated the first year ritual "Tank Top Tuesdays," to which he should be applauded on his use of alliteration. I love alliteration. His dereliction has mesmerized his peers--*our youth*. His hypnosis is yet further embedded in their impressionable minds. In attempts to counter his dereliction, "Tieday Friday" was instituted---they have clearly been afflicted.
Alex Young's individual acts of dereliction may seem average at best; but in tallying his dereliction, please consider his corruption of the first year class which, at a staggering fifteen, is mighty large.
Yusuke Shimabukuro
I feel compelled to suggest for your consideration a truly magnanimous character, our department's other great poet and artist-in-residence: Yusuke Shimabukuro.
There are some individuals who won't take "No!" for an answer. Yusuke is of the rare breed who won't give "No!" for an answer. What I mean to say is: if you start pouring him shots of vodka, he'll most certainly end up taking a nap on the sidewalk.
But this is not why I am nominating him. After all, we are graduate students -- our offices are better decorated than our apartments and honestly sometimes the sidewalk just looks so comfortable. No, what sets Yusuke apart from the pack is his way with words.
So with that in mind, I present to you two of his compositions:
***
Erik in the Rainforest, Erik Davis eating banana with a great
hospitality of gorillas, being in such a humid region, he
spontaneously being compelled to take off his shirts, Erik feeling
freedom, freedom of lawlessness, him being tired of constant pressures
in society, now he whispers to himself "I'm now happy, mam", Erik
having the last bite of banana with a great smile being shined by a
magnificent Sunset in the Rainforest.
***
Met a beautiful girl at the bus station,
Me wondering if she is singular or non-singular,
Oh, yeah, check Rank of her!
... Found a full Rank!
Cooooooool
***
As I read that last one, I am forced to reflect on both the nature of mathematics, and the nature of love. Still, there is one question I cannot answer:
What the hell is he talking about?
Sure, it's not dereliction. But Yusuke, the self-proclaimed "Math Dragon", says a lot of weird shit, and for that I nominate him.