Derelict of the Year 2013
2013 Winners
- First place: Logan Gantner
- Honorable mention: Eric New (a close second!)
- Beer Mile Champion: Patrick Waters (a second victory!) (Please note that the DOTY Committee does not condone the Beer Mile, and the DOTY party is unaffiliated with this competition of athleticism. However, it's necessary to include a mention of it for consistent coverage of dereliction at the UA.)
Party Info
TIME AND DATE: 8:00 p.m. this Friday (05/10/13)LOCATION: 934 N Campbell Avenue #1
TANK TOPS: encouraged
Feel free to bring food, drinks, or donations.
Nominations
- The Guy
- Logan Gantner 2
- The Calcubus
- Logan Gantner
- Andrew Leach
- Michael Borghese
- The architectural firm Richard and Bauer
- Eric New
- Mysterious Poet of Math 224
- Patrick Waters, Dylan Murphy, and Matt Pennybacker
- The forgetful grad students
The Guy
Hey Guys,I hereby nominate the Guy.
We all know who he is this. The white haired Indian guy who shows up to every possible math class and seminar. But we don't really "know" who he is. Is he a spy trying to take down the math department? Is he just in old age and trying to keep his mind active? Or is he truly just someone who lost his mind?
Presenting what we do know, we have a serious case for dereliction. He has been showing up to classes and seminars all day everyday for at least the past six years without ever being an official member of the university. He has no real job as he is in the math department all day long, unless he works the night shift. He often shows up 20 to 30 minutes late for the classes and seminars he goes to, at which he has a surprisingly outstanding attendance record. After seminars, he likes to talk to the speaker, and has in the past attempted to take any papers the speaker had. He has taken the exams and filled out the course evaluations in some of the classes, which he is not signed up for (this led to an angry Kevin Lin one semester).
At this point, I am surprised nobody has found him asleep in the math lounge in the middle of the night, or asking everyone "How do you like them apples" while he solves complex math problems left on chalkboards around the building.
Logan Gantner 2
The Derelication of Logan `Janitor' Gantner: So Derelict to Earn Two NominationsIn joining together in the bonds of brotherhood to celebrate the giants of dereliction past, we remember most those whose fleeting negligence has burned white hot in single moment of overwhelming dereliction. Today though, I submit for your consideration, an individual who has embraced dereliction in a different way. Logan Gantner, a character to say the least, has displayed a devote commitment to a life of delinquency. His dereliction, while never ablaze with the intensity of some DOTY legends, is always smoldering - irradiation enough heat to cause discomfort just like the sweaters he insists on wearing on a Tucson summer day.
For you see, Logan's forsakes simple sensibility. His dereliction, in a certain light, is to common sense. If you have been in a class with him you will have likely noticed his absence during the final weeks of the semester. Or perhaps you have heard his cacophonic lamentations reverberating through your office as he bewailed the burden of his responsibilities. "I have so much grading to do tonight.'' ' "I have to lesson plan tonight - ugh again." "I don't know what's going on.'' "How can they really expect us to this this much work." "If I have to have another semester like this I'm leaving the program." But what you may not realize is that this process has begun at the end of every semester since his arrival at Arizona. Unshaken by this reality and unmoved by the simple logic of his peers, Logan has arranged to teach a course he has not taught in every subsequent semester. And so the cycle has gone. The bemoaning of lesson planning and grading followed by the falling attendance rate in classes. Then the utter frustration and confusion of not understanding an assignment. Logan repeats this symphony of dereliction with such fine tuned precision that it goes unnoticed until the final crescendo at the wane of every semester whereupon his grumbles of discontent rage and crash upon the upon the ears of his peers.
Despite two years of evidence so few seem to remember the regularity of his fretting, the consistency of his dereliction. It is only marked by the plethora of nicknames given to him - Buster Bluth, the weird robot-wannabe programmer guy from Grandma's Boy, and so many others. So that his dereliction and whining is not solely celebrated by his many monikers, let us now honor him - let it be etched into history. Instill upon Logan Gantner the title of Derelict of the Year.
The Calcubus
I re-nominate Marilyn the Calcubus. While her service has not been completely uncomplaining, she has gotten the Outreach Team most of the places they needed to go. Especially those regular Sky Bar events!Logan Gantner
Ohhh how the mighty have fallen. Logan, with his once impeccable notes and high grades fell far below the accepted standard for academic excellence this year. His incredibly busy schedule of socializing with the "regulars" at the Tea House and the Hookah Bar, while watching all of (and memorizing every detail of) "Gossip Girl" led him to have a lack of time to devote to other pursuits (i.e. academic). Logan's facial hair grew scraggly, his attendance dropped to <50%, and due to his social demands, he needed an extension on every single homework assignment. But OHHHH how his fellow grad students could not possibly understand his struggles with time management; for who among us has tried teaching, researching, and class-taking in the same semester? Tis a sad tale, to be sure, but every single element of this man's current philosophy embraces the lifestyle of dereliction. And for this, perhaps we should reward him with that that he truly deserves; the award that recognizes how incredibly hard it is to come to every single class when you're busy drinking tea, the award that recognizes how impossible it is to turn in a homework assignment on time when you're busy complaining to your Hookah friends about how much work you have to do, the award that.... Well, you get the idea.Logan, the true DOTY.
To help you remember:
L is for LAZY
O is for ONE - the number of times Logan comes to class each week
G is for GRUMPY - because his academic life is just a million times more impossible than ours
A is for AFTERNOON - each one of which is spent either imbibing wine or tea, because who would go to class every day of the week? It's just too much, really...
N is for NOISY - does anyone else complain nearly as much about ALL the teaching, research, AND classes they have?? No one could possibly understand...
Andrew Leach
After residing in Tucson for two glorious years of mathematics and climbing adventures, Andrew decided to invest in some quality eye protection from the blazing Arizona sun. We may never know why it took Andrew two whole years to buy a pair of sunglasses, but I think we can all agree that this was the minimum time required to make such an important decision, though I'm sure it took a good bit of rock climbing, dinner making, and consequent cleaning (about twenty minutes) before Andrew was sure Oakleys were the proper band. Dropping that GTEAMs money like it was on FIIIIIRE, Andrew purchased the nicest pair of Oakleys he could find ($$$$$). Hello, eye safety!The next day, Andrew was out adventuring with his friends when Andrew saw a giant rock. "I could climb that!" *** he yelled, running towards the adult sized jungle gym. Clambering his way up to the top, his eyes protected from the blazing sun, he finally summited. Surveying the landscape below, Andrew noticed a deep pool of blue water. Inspired by the great cliff divers of Acapulco, Andrew leapt and plunged like a swan into the water below. The rush of cool blue(ish) Tucson water rushed by him as he dove deep into the pool, but, alas, in the rushing rivets, the sunglasses were washed away.
Andrew dove and dove, trying to retrieve them, but to no avail. Begrudgingly, Andrew left the great climbing rock and diving pool without his sunglasses in tow, and returned to the shadowed and dark safety of his office.
The author could also mention numerous times when Andrew has requested a ride to events, telling the author to pick him up at "x:xx" time, after Andrew goes rock climbing, bikes home, showers, makes dinner, and cleans (about 20 minutes). After driving to Andrew's house and informing Andrew that his ride is available, Andrew has politely told the author "Actually I've decided not to go"...
*** Author's interpretation of events.
Michael Borghese
I nominate Michael Borghese not for being a vegan celiac lactose-intolerant, but for making sure that EVERYONE knows about it.The architectural firm Richard and Bauer
I humbly submit, for your consideration, the following conjecture: Architects hate mathematicians. Our own mathematics building provides an excellent case-study --- its design maximizes surface area while minimizing the usable space within. Since the building has so much surface area, metal shades appear on the building's windows to reduce cooling costs. This, in turn, guarantees the windows can never be cleaned and the inhabitants of the building have the vague feeling they work in a fallout shelter. To be sure, our building is a symphony of architectural blunders.Presumably, the original architect considers all of this to be justified retribution for having been forced to take College Algebra at some point in his education. Our building stands as a monument to the fact that poetic sounding architectural ideas, like housing mathematicians in a building shaped like a plus sign, are never good in practice. Or, put another way, the principles of designing a good building are different from the design principles exhibited on "Ace of Cakes."
My purpose today is not solely to gripe about our building. I wish to nominate the architectural firm Richard and Bauer, who designed the new Tree Ring building. These designers apparently decided that if the building was to be used for tree-ring research, then it should be shaped approximately like a tree, complete with a collection of silvery pipes and chains for leaves. Unfortunately, these maverick designers failed to note that on a blustery day, this same post-modern assemblage becomes the world's least melodious wind-chime. The resulting cacophony is audible even deep within the bowels of the Mathematics Teaching Lab, and causes passersby on the street to look up in fear of falling metal.
It might be argued that I'm DOTYing these poor men because I'm bitter that my office remains in a re-purposed broom closet rather than a shiny new building with actual windows. That's probably true. But consider that the Math building was erected in 1967 and has been annoying many people in small ways for 46 years. If that's any indication, we can look forward to at least half a century of discordant racket on windy days.
For their contribution to the decades-long irritation of present and future inhabitants of our campus, I nominate Richard and Bauer for DOTY.
Eric New
Even in his rookie season, Eric New had a mindset of dereliction. This greenhorn was holding his office hours during his super TA's office hours, in his super TA's office! He pleaded with his super TA for an extra office hour before a final exam and then emailed five min into said office hour, saying he wasn't going to make it.But don't let his youthful appearance fool you, this young Rook has the guts and guile of a seasoned veteran. Writing an email of choice words to a professor and pretending to send it, the grad lab looking on in horror. Walking calmly to a fifty minute class thirty minutes late with not a hint of urgency.
Yet the truly great ones are those that make their teammates around them etter. If he sees a colleague hard at work in the grad lab, Eric has been known to throw a banana peel at the poor sap.
He needed no training, out of the shoot he was gunning for doty 2013.
Eric New is The Rookie of the Year.
Mysterious Poet of Math 224
I nominate the Mysterious Poet of Math 224. Evidence attached.Patrick Waters, Dylan Murphy, and Matt Pennybacker
Happy Hour Murder Trail [1]"In the beginning there was mathematics; it has been with us ever since" [2]. Since the birth of Arizona's math department, back in 1892, the mathematicians of the University of Arizona longed for a cohesive end to the week, a place of paradise to recoup from the tribulations of the day.
For decades this ethereal concept remained unrealized. FInally, upon the eve of his successful master's defense in 1921, Samuel Ridgely invited two other students and his thesis advisor out for a drink. And thus, a tradition was born.
Since then, the mathematicians of the University of Arizona have spent Friday afternoons at a local watering hole, debriefing their colleagues on the happenings of the week and debating possible approaches to proving Fermat's last theorem.
Grad students come and go. And 1997 saw the demise of the departmental hope to prove Fermat's last theorem. Yet this illustrious custom continued. Word of mouth and emails flew about the building announcing whether Zachary's, Gentle Ben's, or No Anchovies would provide the sweet nectar we mathematicians so desperately need. Year after year, another leader would arise, taking the initiative to send out the much anticipated happy hour announcement.
Until 2012. Esteemed ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I hereby nominate Patrick Waters, Dylan Murphy, and Matt Pennybacker for conscious neglect ultimately resulting in the death of Happy Hour.
---
[1] This is a (semi) true account of the birth and life of one Happy Hour, until his unfortunate demise in 2012, reprinted with permission from the April 13, 2013 issue of the New York Times [3].
[2] Math department history derived from http://math.arizona.edu/~faris/pierce.html
[3] Not really.
The forgetful grad students
To those students who lock the grad computers---Why must you
Leave the computer logged in?
I come to print
Or code in MATLAB,
Or check Facebook.
But I must try
Two, three computers,
Sometimes four.
And now Firefox
Will not open? It
Must be broken.
Oh wait. I too
Accidentally
Did not log out.