Derelict of the Year 2018

2018 Winners: TBD

Party Info

TIME AND DATE: TBA
LOCATION: TBA
Parking Instructions: TBA
Feel free to bring food, drinks, or donations.

Nominations

Everyone who does not nominate themselves
Ildar Gabitov
Philip Strzelecki
Phil Strzelecki
Logan Gantner
Robert Sims
Ildar Gabitov
Stan Swierczek
Stan Swierczek
2018 DOTY Committee
2017 DOTY Committee
2018 DOTY Committee
Unsolicited Picture Sending Prospective Student

Everyone who does not nominate themselves

I hereby nominate everyone who does not nominate themselves. ;)

Ildar Gabitov

I would like to nominate Ildar Gabitov for not assigning the teams for the math modeling course until March, leaving undergrads and grad students alike confused.

Philip Strzelecki

We nominate Philip Strzelecki, who apparently blew the cover of the doty administrator by attempting to print to the Konica Minolta in ENR2 using the doty account. Perhaps this was an effort to make "free" copies, but the jig was up when he printed documents containing his name in the title.

Phil Strzelecki

I would like to nominate Phil for continually talking about how he is going to win DOTY but not doing anything of note. Oh boo hoo, the Math Department took away your printing. If Phil wins DOTY for that, we are officially lamer than the physics department.

Logan Gantner

I nominate Logan Gantner. Up until a week ago, his name was prominently displayed on an office in ENR2. The area of his desk was a barren wasteland with no indication that it had ever been used. None of his office mates had ever met him. Two people moved out of that office in the last year -- and had never met him. When new people moved into the office and the plaque was updated, his name remained on the updated version.

Robert Sims

For stealing my chair.

Ildar Gabitov

I want to nominate Ildar Gabitov for being really disorganized and confusing with his Mathematical Modeling class. So for one, he didn't assign us mentors to teams until March. Seeing as I have taken the course before, I had assumed that mentors were to be assigned at the start of the semester as it was when I was an undergrad. Upon that not happening and hearing no word, I had assumed that I had not been chosen as a mentor and took on other responsibilities, then March came causing me to juggle being a mentor along with said other responsibilities. Second, he wanted to sit-in on one of our group meetings. He sent an email asking us when we meet so that he could meet with us in the following week. Upon giving him my meeting day and time (forgetting the location), he never responds back. Unsure of whether or not he is still going to meet with us, I still have my students prepare to have him sit in on our next meeting. He never shows up and still never responds on whether or not he will sit-in on a team meeting at some point. Yet, he visits my office pod a few days later to ask how one would send an email to all graduate students in our department and does not mention at all if he still plans to meet with us. Here's the kicker, I met with my student's today so that they could do a practice run of their final presentation that they will give Thursday. They came to my office first and then I walked them over to the grad lounge so that we had more privacy and room. After doing their practice run and me giving them a few pointers and critique, we were about ready to wrap up the meeting when we heard a tap on the door. We all look up to see Ildar Gabitov peering in through the door (yea? what?). We let him in and tell him what we are doing, in which he proceeds to have my students do another practice run. So just when we are about to leave, I am having to sit through my student's presentation again and they are nervous as hell (like stuttering through it) having to unexpectedly do their presentation in front of their professor. He gave a few critiques during and after the presentation and then left. I have no idea how he even found us, since I never once told him where we meet.

Stan Swierczek

Let’s face it, 99.999999% want Stan to win.

Stan Swierczek

The Ascent of Stan Textbook hippy man Stan Swiecrzek donned his cape nobly, defending “the 99.9% (sic)” from the horrors of listserv email abuse by curious emeritus professors everywhere. It has been known since the early 2000s that the fraction of Genuinely Curious Emails is asymptotically 0 with probability at least 99.9% in any stable institution. However, it was recently conjectured (Comey et al, 2016) that large deviations in the GCE proportion may in fact destabilize an institutional equilibrium. A small N=1 simulation gives credence to this possibility, although it is not without controversy. A noteworthy conjecture is that the Comey Conjecture itself forms the generator of a Godel-Causal-Loop which determines equilibrium trajectories (Clinton and Hofstadter, 2017).

Thankfully, Stan did not sit idly by while the debate raged in publications and on forums. A man of action, he lashed his vorpal tongue and slew the hydra in its infancy. But what, you may ask, does all this have to do with dereliction? A fair question indeed. One can only speculate, of course, but a watchful and vigilant eye may have detected that the fraction of Snacks&Leftovers Emails had dipped dangerously low, close to the critical SLE bifurcation point that would send us hurtling down the path to the Snackless Equilibrium wherein such emails sit unopened in every graduate student’s inbox—in finite time. As any first year graduate student knows, Dereliction is well modelled by a random-thought-ensemble on the snack-time lattice, with halting probability at least 99.99% whenever the snack-time ratio does not remain bounded away from zero.

Stan isn't the hero we deserve. He's the hero we need.

2018 DOTY Committee

I would like to nominate the Doty organizers for almost forgetting to organize the Doty party.
The Doty organizers
This year forgot to organize
Thus they deserve the Doty prize

2017 DOTY Committee

I would like to nominate last year's committee for choosing such a crappy Doty committee.

2018 DOTY Committee

They are without a doubt the most useless DOTY committee ever formed. They didn't even show up to the DOTY party.

Unsolicited Picture Sending Prospective Student

There once was a perspective shmuck.
Who thought that he might try his luck.
But with that one text,
The department said next,
And it was only his future he...derailed.