Support wildlife - throw a party. BUMPER STICKER If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal. GRAFFITI To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. WILDE The old-fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out. WILDE I can sympathize with everything, except suffering. WILDE Every man over forty is a scoundrel. SHAW Assassination: The extreme form of censorship. SHAW My salad days, when I was green in judgement. SHAKESPEARE I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. MARK TWAIN Energy and persistence alter all things. FRANKLIN He that won't be counseled can't be helped. FRANKLIN SNIGLET. Definition of Squigger: A cherry tomato that explodes upon contact with a fork. SNIGLET. Definition of Wondracide: The act of murdering a piece of bread with a knife and cold butter. Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for a star. WOODY ALLEN It was such a lovely day I thought it was a pity to get up. MAUGHAM Never spend your money before you have it. JEFFERSON He that never thinks can never be wise. JOHNSON There's none so blind as they that won't see. SWIFT Not many men have both good fortune and good sense. LIVY Who has lost freedom has nothing else to loose. Three may keep counsel, if two are away. HEYWOOD When one will not, two cannot quarrel. Men are better when they are old; things when they are new. Gross negligence is equivalent to intentional wrong. Everybody's business is nobody's business. There is nothing certain except the unforeseen. FRAUDE No one respects a talent that is concealed. ERASMUS We are shaped and fashioned by what we love. GOETHE Do the headwork before the handwork. The echo always has the last word. Enthusiasm is the greatest asset in the world. It beats money and power and influence. CHESTER Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof. MONTAGUE None are fools always, though everyone sometimes. D'URFEY Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers. TENNYSON Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. EISENHOWER Make yourself necessary to somebody. EMERSON If I had been present at creation, I would have given some useful hints. ALFONSO THE WISE The greatest general is he who makes the fewest mistakes. NAPOLEON BONAPARTE I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow. WILSON Only the mediocre are always at their best. GIRAUDOUX DAVID LOVELOCK on his balding brother Hair today, gone tomorrow. What this country needs is more unemployed politicians. LANGLEY Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. KENNEDY America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar and use it up in two weeks. JOHN BARRYMORE I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. MASON Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. TARTAKOWER If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel. KOMMEN Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. BERLIOZ A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. Froud's Law I've come too far, and I don't know how to get back. ELVIS PRESLEY Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in. An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. CAMERON That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest. THOREAU I really hate this damn machine, I wish that they would sell it. It never does just what I want, But only what I tell it. The hardest thing in a girl's life is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious. ROWLAND Nature always tends to act in the simplest way. BERNOULLI The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs. KARL MARX Murphy was optimistic. O'TOOLE The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern. LORD ACTON Buy old masters. They fetch a better price than old mistresses. LORD BEAVERBROOK People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. ABIGAIL VAN BUREN Nothing is true. Everything is permitted. SABBAH I never loved another person the way I loved myself. MAE WEST If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? NIXON If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. REAGAN A good review from the critics is just another stay of execution. DUSTIN HOFFMAN Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything. GALBRAITH Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT You have to expect that if you cuss out the world, the world is going to cuss back. ANDREW YOUNG A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. MENCKEN If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport. WINTERS I finally know what distinguishes man from the other beasts : financial worries. RENARD A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. ADAMS Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? STOPPARD Where does virgin wool come from? The sheep that runs the fastest. BANKS A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer. ACHESON Be careful what you set your heart upon - for it will surely be yours. BALDWIN In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order. IDI AMIN If you want to annoy your neighbors, tell the truth about them. ARETINO Courage is grace under pressure. HEMINGWAY The politician is like an acrobat : he keeps his balance by saying the opposite of what he does. BARRES Perhaps the world's second worst crime is boredom. The first is being a bore. BEATON I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. BEVAN The greatest masterpiece in history is only a dictionary out of order. COCTEAU Martyrdom does not end something; it is only the beginning. GANDHI Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves. CHEVY CHASE If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? LILY TOMLIN Laughter is by definition healthy. LESSING Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable. EVANS Men who borrow their opinions can never repay their debts. SAVILE Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. KOVACS The child is the father of the man. WORDSWORTH All you owe the public is a good performance. BOGART The bee is such a busy soul He has no time for birth control So that is why in times like these There are so many sons of bees. Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. The other line is always shorter. The other line always moves faster. Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different. In my opinion a mathematician need not preoccupy himself with philosophy - an opinion, moreover, which has been expressed by many philosophers. Insanity is hereditary - you catch it from your children. BUMPER STICKER Life is a hereditary disease. GRAFFITI Punctuality is the thief of time. WILDE I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train. WILDE There is no sin except stupidity. WILDE How can what an Englishman believes be hearsay? It is a contradiction in terms. SHAW No legacy is as rich as honesty. SHAKESPEARE How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child. SHAKESPEARE Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to. MARK TWAIN Whatever's begun in anger ends in shame. FRANKLIN He that won't be counseled can't be helped. FRANKLIN SNIGLET. Definition of Shocklet: The third hole on an electrical outlet. SNIGLET. Definition of Banectomy: The removal of bruises on a banana. California is a fine place to live - if you're an orange. WOODY ALLEN You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct. MAUGHAM The world does not require so much to be informed as reminded. MORE Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off. JOHNSON A delay is better than disaster. The eagle does not hunt flies. One today is worth two tomorrows. Knowledge is power. BACON A man's true wealth is the good he does in the world. MOHAMMED He is a good orator who convinces himself. He who looks for a mule without a fault must go on foot. "They say" is often proved a great liar. Zeal without knowledge is fire without light. FULLER In the country of the blind the one-eyed is king. ERASMUS When ideas fail, words come in very handy. GOETHE The secret of success is constancy of purpose. DISRAELI Impudence is the worst of all human diseases. EURIPEDES Necessity makes even the timid brave. SALLUST Honor lies in honest toil. CLEVELAND Forbidden things have a secret charm. TACITUS 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. TENNYSON The greatest obstacle to progress is prejudice. BAVEE It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations. CHURCHILL Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. BALFOUR In politics, an absurdity is not a handicap. NAPOLEAN BONAPARTE Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun. WILSON The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later. DAVIS A closed mouth gathers no feet. We would like to live as we once lived, but history will not permit it. KENNEDY You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself. ETHEL BARRYMORE I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. ROGERS Wagner's music is much better than it sounds. NYE Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences: If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set. If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. EINSTEIN The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights. GETTY Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked. SPRECHT Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations one can do without thinking about them. The Swartzberg Test: The validity of a science is its ability to predict. Even God cannot change the past. AGATHON Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. DICKSON Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest. ROWLAND Consistency only requires that you be as ignorant today as you were a year ago. BERENSON Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. MARX As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. WEISERT I came, I saw, I conquered. CAESAR Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called war. BROOKS Cigar smoking isn't the worst vice, but it's not too bad for a nickel. GEORGE BURNS Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. DIDDLEY When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before. MAE WEST You can't underestimate the power of fear. PATRICIA NIXON College isn't the place to go for ideas. KELLER Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old. PINK FLOYD Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory. GALBRAITH I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions. MIZNER Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. MENCKEN Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. LEBOWITZ No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ELEANOR ROOSEVELT Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. LLOYD GEORGE The saints are the sinners who keep on trying. STEVENSON Don't be so humble. You're not that great. MEIR If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable. ADE Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. BALDWIN A musicologist is a man who can read music but cannot hear it. BEECHAM The world can forgive practically anything except people who mind their own business. MARGARET MITCHELL Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. BAER Democracy : In which you say what you like and do what you're told. BARRY What is an adult? A child blown up by age. DE BEAUVOIR If it's good they'll stop making it. BLOCK Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. DRUMMOND The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within. GANDHI Those who live in a world of human beings can only retrace their steps. SARRAUTE If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much. JACQUELINE ONASSIS To my mind the old masters are not art; their value is in their scarcity. EDISON Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. KHRUSHCHEV What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. HARKNESS I don't want to make money. I just want to be wonderful. MARILYN MONROE Men aren't necessities. They're luxuries. CHER The best way to win an argument is to begin by being right. RUCKELSHAUS Physicists know what's important, but they don't know what is true. Mathematicians know what's true, but they don't know what is important. Age is a matter of mind. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. An alarm clock is a device that makes you rise and whine. An archaeologist is someone whose career lies in ruins. A baby sitter is someone who watches your TV set while your kids cry themselves to sleep. A baseball fan is a spectator sitting 500 feet from home plate who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away. I support the right to arm bears. BUMPER STICKER If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, perhaps you have misunderstood the situation. GRAFFITI The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray. WILDE On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure. WILDE I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. WILDE He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. SHAW One may smile, and smile, and be a villain. SHAKESPEARE Ambition should be made of sterner stuff. SHAKESPEARE When angry, count four. When very angry, swear. MARK TWAIN Where sense is wanting, everything is wanting. FRANKLIN Admiration is the daughter of ignorance. FRANKLIN SNIGLET. Definition of Gazinta: Mathematical symbol for division. Example: 4 gazinta 8 twice. Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. WOODY ALLEN Imitation is the sincerest form of television. WOODY ALLEN Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. Last words of SOMERSET MAUGHAM Statistics are no substitute for judgement. CLAY Once you become famous, there is nothing left to become but infamous. DON JOHNSON Anger is brief lunacy. HORACE A long tongue shortens life. Wise men learn more from fools than fools from the wise. CATO Anger makes dull men witty - but it keeps them poor. BACON It is bad advice that cannot be changed. SYRUS Self conquest is the greatest of victories. PLATO A journey of 1000 miles begins with one step. LAO-TZE An evil life is a kind of death. OVID The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. BUCKMINSTER FULLER War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it. ERASMUS The unnatural, that too is natural. GOETHE A crooked stick will have a crooked shadow. In goodness there are all kinds of wisdom. EURIPEDES Be slow of tongue and quick of mind. CERVANTES I would rather make my name than inherit it. THACKERAY Posterity gives every man his true value. TACITUS The true measure of life is not length, but honesty. LYLY Better were it to be unborn than be ill bred. RALEIGH Nothing succeeds like a canary with no teeth. BENNY HILL ("Think about it!") Few people can be happy unless they hate some other person, nation, or creed. RUSSELL I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. SCHULTZ If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. WILSON I'm going to speak my mind because I have nothing to lose. HAYAKAWA Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your house. DAVID FROST The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office. If I had known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself. This book fills a much-needed gap. HADAS in a review. Anything anybody can say about America is true. GROGAN A man is known by the company he avoids. When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. COOLIDGE If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. WEINBERG Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding. KAPLAN Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life. Ketterling's Law: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick! KIRCHENBAUM Life is not one thing after another. It's the same damn thing over and over! To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is. DICK CAVETT When you see what some girls marry, you realize how much they must hate to work for a living. ROWLAND Governments last as long as the under-taxed can defend themselves against the over-taxed. BERENSON Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy. GROUCHO MARX A handshake isn't worth the paper it is written on. JUDGE WAPNER Any excuse will serve a tyrant. AESOP If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country. BROOKS Acting is the perfect idiot's profession. KATHARINE HEPBURN The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. BOHR It's not the men in my life that counts. It's the life in my men. MAE WEST It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody. NIXON Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. CLARKE Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. DRUCKER Anyone can hate. It costs to love. WILLIAMSON Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll meet them on your way down. MIZNER Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil. MENCKEN Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. RAYMOND I am only an average man but, by George, I work harder at it than the average man. ROOSEVELT Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet. BECKETT Anyone who profits from the experience of others probably writes biographies. JONES A painting in a museum probably hears more foolish remarks than anything else in the world. GONCOURT Do unto yourself as your neighbors do unto themselves and look pleasant. ADE A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it. BALDWIN More will mean worse. AMIS It takes two to destroy a marriage. MARGARET TRUDEAU The cure for admiring the House Of Lords is to go and look at it. BAGEHOT Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. HUBBARD To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job. DE BEAUVOIR War is like love, it always finds a way. BRECHT He continued to be an infant long after he ceased to be a prodigy. ROBERT MOSES You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. GANDHI The girl with a future avoids a man with a past. ESAR Invest in yourself, in your education ... there's nothing better. SYLVIA PORTER I am proud of the fact that I never invented weapons to kill. EDISON Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? FEIFFER We learn from history that we do not learn from history. HEGEL I've been on a calendar, but never on time. MARILYN MONROE It's best to have failure happen early in life. It wakes up the phoenix bird in you so you rise from the ashes. ANNE BAXTER Equality is a step down for most women. SCHAFLY The brain is the only part of the human machine that doesn't wear out. Probably it's because the brain is the only part that is not overworked. College-bred is a four-year loaf, using Dad's dough, coming out half-baked, with a lot of crust. A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. Conceit is a queer disease - it makes everyone sick except the person who has it. Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem. Some men are wise, and some are otherwise. There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate. BUMPER STICKER I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. GRAFFITI He hasn't one redeeming vice. WILDE I can resist everything except temptation. WILDE We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. WILDE A drama critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned. SHAW The golden rule is that there are no golden rules. SHAW How poor are they that have not patience. SHAKESPEARE Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. MARK TWAIN I have been complimented many times and that embarrasses me; I always feel they have not said enough. MARK TWAIN We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately. FRANKLIN SNIGLET. Definition of Accordionated: Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time. SNIGLET. Definition of Cellostatic: The electrical property of cellophane that causes it to stick to your hand. I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. WOODY ALLEN Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. WOODY ALLEN A little rebellion now and then is a good thing. JEFFERSON There are three kinds of lies - lies, damnable lies, and statistics. FROST Catch the bear before you sell his skin. Nothing is beautiful from every point of view. HORACE Bad memory has its roots in bad attention. Advice is least heeded when most needed. Charity begins at home, but shouldn't end there. Some remedies are worse than the disease. PUBLIUS SYRUS He was a wise man who invented God. PLATO Half the truth is often a great lie. Write injuries in sand, but benefits in marble. Real wealth can only increase. BUCKMINSTER FULLER The noblest motive is the public good. VIRGIL Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean. GOETHE Who never climbed never fell. It is not good to have everything one wants. PASCAL Truth is often eclipsed but never extinguished. LIVY Politeness is the chief sign of culture. GRACIAN He who considers too much will perform little. SCHILLER Good cheer is no hindrance to a good life. ARISTIPPUS Nothing is so easy as to deceive oneself. DEMOSTHENES I like a man who grins when he fights. CHURCHILL Most people would sooner die than think; in fact they do so. RUSSELL Life is what happens while you are making other plans. LENNON Is life worth living? That depends on the liver. He who laughs, lasts. POOLE To look back is to relax one's vigil. BETTE DAVIS I'm in a phone booth at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk. The only way a reporter should look at a politician is down. KENT Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it. HADAS in a letter. A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles. ROGERS Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or money to do it right. ADLER You don't have to explain something you never said. COOLIDGE The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible. EINSTEIN The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems. LEVIAN Vique's Law: A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle. The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion. WASHINGTON To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but not its programmer. The meek will inherit the Earth. The rest of us will go to the stars. Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor. TOYNBEE Marriage - a souvenir of love. ROWLAND We are born princes and the civilizing process makes us frogs. BERNE Mathematics consists in proving the most obvious things in the least obvious way. POLYA No one ever regarded the first of January with indifference. LAMB ARCHIMEDES on the LEVER Give me a firm spot on which to stand, and I will move the earth. My biggest hatred in the world is having people I don't know grab and pull at me and try to kiss me. BROOKE SHIELDS My movies are the kind they show in prisons and airplanes, because nobody can leave. BURT REYNOLDS Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ORACLE No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk. NIXON Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of magic. CLARKE How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? FIRESIGN THEATER In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. LILLY Please don't ask me what the score is. I'm not even sure what the game is. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. COULT I've spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are in the audience. MIZNER Lawyer - one who protects us against robbers by taking away the temptation. MENCKEN Great Spirit, help me never to judge another until I have walked in his moccasins for two weeks. SIOUX INDIAN PRAYER The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. ADAMS Be yourself. Who else is better qualified. GIBLIN A woman's love for a man is greater than a man's love for a woman. TOM JONES I'm proud to be paying taxes in the U.S. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money. GODFREY Information is the currency of democracy. NADER It is better to abolish serfdom from above than to wait for it to abolish itself from below. ALEXANDER II Lawyers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished. BENTHAM It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away. ARLEN In my youth I hoped to do great things; now I shall be satisfied to get through without a scandal. BAGEHOT Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. HUBBARD Most women are not as young as they are painted. BEERBOHM Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets. BRESLIN Aging is not a disease. JANE FONDA People used to throw rocks at me for my clothes. Now they want to buy them. CYNDI LAUPER Fashions in sin change. HELLMAN Where there is money, there is fighting. ANDERSON History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. EBAN What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a check. FRANCIS What luck for the rulers that men do not think. HITLER I don't like holding anybody on a pedestal; certainly not football players. KARRAS I feel that the greatest reward for doing is the opportunity to do more. SALK Military secrets are the most fleeting of all. SPOCK A consultant is an executive who can't find a job. A critic is someone who points out how imperfectly other people do what the critic does not do at all. A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure. Dieting is a matter of mind over platter. An ecologist is a voice crying over the wilderness. Economy is a way of spending money without getting any fun out of it. The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. BUMPER STICKER I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. GRAFFITI The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity. WILDE Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. WILDE America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. WILDE He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. SHAW What's past help should be past grief. SHAKESPEARE Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. MARK TWAIN Carelessness does more harm than a want of knowledge. FRANKLIN In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. FRANKLIN SNIGLET. Definition of Glackett: The noisy ball inside a spray-paint can. SNIGLET. Definition of Reled: To reset all the digital clocks in the house following a power failure. What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? WOODY ALLEN In California they don't throw their trash away - they make it into television shows. WOODY ALLEN In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. JEFFERSON Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. JEROME Do not delay : the golden moments fly. LONGFELLOW Rule your mind or it will rule you. HORACE One of these days is none of these days. BOHN When all men speak, no man hears. KELLY Little is done when many command. A work ill done must be twice done. Plato is a bore. NIETZSCHE Better an empty purse than an empty head. Learning without thought is labor lost. CONFUCIUS All would be well if there were no buts. They conquer who believe they can. VIRGIL Everything yields to diligence. ANTIPHANES It is better to bend than to break. The sweetest of all sounds is praise. ZENOPHON Be sure you're right, then go ahead. CROCKETT Give your tongue more holidays than your head. The deeper the sorrow, the less tongue it has. TALMUD The greatest remedy for anger is delay. SENECA The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn. EMERSON There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. CHURCHILL The fundamental defect of fathers is that they want their children to be a credit to them. RUSSELL You smash it - and I'll build around it. LENNON The best way to get praise is to die. Like all self-made men he worships his creator. Sure Reagan promised to take senility tests. But what if he forgets? KERR-WALKER Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself. MORGAN 98% of the adults in this country are decent, honest, hard-working Americans. It's the other lousy 2% that get all the publicity. But then we elected them. God made man, and then said I can do better than that and made woman. ADELA ROGERS St. JOHN Bravery is the capacity to perform properly even when scared half to death. BRADLEY I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say. COOLIDGE Spring being a tough act to follow, God created June. BERNSTEIN So little time, so little to do. LEVANT Zimmerman's Law of Complaints: Nobody notices when things go right. Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles. I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head. WALLACE After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done. Some never choose an opinion. They just wear whatever happens to be in fashion. TOLSTOY God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. VOLTAIRE If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't. WATSON A critic is a legless man who teaches running. POLLOCK The Lord in His wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why. NASH A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. AUDEN Anger repressed can poison a relationship as surely as the cruelest words. JOYCE BROTHERS Unless you love someone, nothing makes any sense. BURTON The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. LOVECRAFT Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. FREUD Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles. FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT Justice is incidental to law and order. HOOVER We are what we pretend to be. VONNEGUT A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms. WALD I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT The rule for staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number, or give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. QUINN A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something. CAPRA Remorse - regret that one waited so long to do it. MENCKEN When ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise. GRAY The best part of the fiction in many novels is the notice that the characters are purely imaginary. ADAMS I owe all of my success in life to always having been a quarter of an hour beforehand. HORATIO NELSON Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. JONES Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the middle of a battle. ABOUT The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it. AGATE What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority. ALTMAN Service to others is the rent you pay for your room in heaven. MUHAMMED ALI The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sins. ARNOUX A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste. BALLIETT Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. HUBBARD Critics are like eunuchs in a harem : they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they are unable to do it themselves. BEHAN Television - the longest amateur night in history. CARSON Immature artists imitate. Mature artists steal. PICASSO I don't exercise. I'm Jewish. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. JOAN RIVERS Woman's virtue is man's greatest invention. SKINNER The edgier you are, the sharper you are. ANDERSON Never argue with a fool - people might not know the difference. FIRST LAW OF DEBATE A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. ROBERT FROST Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain the last but one. HITLER I love children. Especially when they cry - for then someone takes them away. NANCY MITFORD A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he is finished. ZSA ZSA GARBOR Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. POPE Education is what you get when your father sends you to college. The education process is not complete until you send your son there. Egotism is a case of mistaken nonentity. Experience is the thing which enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. An expert is a person who can take something you already know and make it sound confusing. Fashion is something which goes in one year and out the other. Fat is the penalty for exceeding the feed limit. Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. GRAFFITI Apathy is something I'm neither for nor against. GRAFFITI Truth is never pure, and rarely simple. WILDE WILDE's definition of a cynic. A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself. WILDE Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius. SHAW Delays have dangerous ends. SHAKESPEARE In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. MARK TWAIN The doors of wisdom are never shut. FRANKLIN He that teaches himself has a fool for a master. FRANKLIN SNIGLET. Definition of Cushup: To sit down on a couch causing the cushion next to you to rise. SNIGLET. Definition of Opup: To push one's glasses back on the nose. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented my room. WOODY ALLEN Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion. WOODY ALLEN Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations. JEFFERSON I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. JEROME No wise man ever wished to be younger. SWIFT And seek for truth in the groves of Academe. HORACE The devil has three children: Pride, Falsehood and Envy. We have met the enemy and he is us. KELLY A page digested is better than a volume hurriedly read. MACAULAY Take the world as it is, not as it ought to be. Time spent in laughter is well invested. Men learn while they teach. SENECA Study the past if you would divine the future. CONFUCIUS A quiet tongue shows a wise head. The smallest hair casts its shadow. GOETHE Skill and confidence are an unconquered army. HERBERT Never ask pardon before you are accused. Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one else has thought. SZENT-GYORGI Beware the fury of a patient man. DRYDEN Better keep peace than make peace. Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. TALLULAH BANKHEAD A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money. DIRKSEN Hitch your wagon to a star. EMERSON Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick himself up and carry on. CHURCHILL The chicken probably came before the egg because it is hard to imagine God wanting to sit on an egg. There is no cure for birth or death save to enjoy the interval. SANTAYANA A murderer is one who is presumed innocent until proven insane. Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician, because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent for that. When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. Absence makes the heart go yonder. BYRNE A "good" family is one that used to be better. AMORY I improve on misquotation. GRANT If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm. LOMBARDI A politician is a person who approaches a question with an open mouth. ADLAI STEVENSON The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. ERLICH Sometimes one pays the most for the things one gets for nothing. EINSTEIN A man of quality is not threatened by a woman of equality. I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it. GOLDWYN An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. CAMUS It's said that there are no indiscreet questions, just indiscreet answers. WALLACE Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. LANTZ Whoever serves his country well has no need of ancestors. VOLTAIRE It is a paradox and a mystery that the most powerful force on earth lacks the power to understand itself. MARSHALL If anything can go wrong, it will. MURPHY Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are always bad men. LORD ACTON "Peace" is when nobody's shooting. A "just peace" is when our side gets what it wants. MAUDLIN Superstition is the religion of feeble minds. BURKE An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less. BUTLER Take what you can use and let the rest go by. KESEY It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. SUTTON If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all. AGNEW The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. HOFFMAN The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong - but that's the way to bet. RUNYON "Automatic" simply means you can't repair it yourself. WALDRIP If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortunetellers take economists seriously. CINCINNATI ENQUIRER Love cures people - both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. MENNINGER Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. MENCKEN Nothing is waste that makes a memory. ROREM Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the systematic organization of the hatreds. ADAMS Be happy. It is a way of being wise. COLETTE The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on. JONES' LAW The first requirement of a statesman is that he be dull. This is not always easy to achieve. ACHESON Theatre Director : A person engaged by the management to conceal the fact that the players cannot act. AGATE If we could harness the destructive energy of disagreements over politics, we wouldn't need a bomb. BARBARA WALTERS Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. ANTRIM Life always comes to a bad end. AYME The days in one's life that stand out most vividly are the days when one learns something. LUCILLE BALL Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain he's not the man she married? BARBRA STREISLAND Everyone becomes the thing they most despise. BENCHLEY Democracy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. CATLIN Man has his will - but woman has her way. HOLMES What I cannot love, I overlook. NIN No problem is so big or so complicated it cannot be run away from. LINUS One man with courage makes a majority. ANDREW JACKSON Keep cool. Anger is not an argument. WEBSTER Youth is a disease from which we all recover. FULDHEIM A sharp tongue is the only edged instrument that grows keener with constant use. IRVING Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. NATHAN I always say beauty is only sin deep. SAKI History is littered with wars which everybody knew would never happen. POWELL A fish is an underwater creature which grows the fastest between the time it is caught and the time the fisherman describes it to his friends. Gambling is a method of getting nothing for something. A gossip is a person with a keen sense of rumor. Heredity is what man believes in until his son begins to act like a delinquent. Inflation is a drop in the buck. An intellectual is a person whose advanced education enables him to worry about things that the ignoramus doesn't know exist. Cancer cures smoking. BUMPER STICKER. God is not dead. He is alive and working on a much less ambitious project. GRAFFITI History repeats itself because nobody listens. "To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness." WILDE A man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. WILDE Martyrdom is the only way a person can become famous without ability. SHAW Advice is like kissing : it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. SHAW Brevity is the soul of wit. SHAKESPEARE It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. MARK TWAIN The discontented man finds no easy chair. FRANKLIN There's no such thing as a free lunch. FRIEDMAN SNIGLET. Definition of Frustra: The special plastic used in the manufacture of fast-food ketchup packets. SNIGLET. Definition of Spirtle: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. WOODY ALLEN Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. WOODY ALLEN Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried. JEFFERSON Confound these ancestors. They've stolen our best ideas! JOHNSON Vision is the art of seeing things invisible. SWIFT Brevity is a great charm of eloquence. CICERO The less men think the more they talk. MONTESQUIEV None but a fool is always right. HARE When fortune knocks, be sure to open the door. BAILEY In prosperity, caution; in adversity, patience. A man of courage never wants weapons. Wisdom comes to no one by chance. SENECA Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance. CONFUCIUS Abundant caution does no harm. COKE One cannot always be a hero, but one can always be a man. GOETHE The best is good enough. Too much rest becomes a pain. HOMER Idleness is the holiday of fools. CHESTERFIELD Nothing is so firmly believed as what we least know. MONTAIGNE Wishes won't wash dishes. Innocence is ashamed of nothing. ROUSSEAU There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them. HEISENBERG Men are what their mothers made them. EMERSON How can you tell when a lawyer lies? He moves his lips. It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis. BONNANO The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. FLIP WILSON The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. Ronald Reagan is the Fred Astaire of foot-in-mouth disease. DAVIS The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency. McCARTHY If it weren't for Philip T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. Sex : The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. BARRYMORE Better that a girl have beauty than brains because boys see better than they think. Winning isn't everything, but wanting to win is. LOMBARDI It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. ADLER A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. BERLE Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. FISCHER I get lonesome sometimes. I get lonesome right in the middle of a crowd. ELVIS PRESLEY Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood. HUDSON Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die. CAMPBELL A little caution outflanks a large cavalry. BISMARCK Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals. A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever. ROWLAND A long dispute means both parties are wrong. VOLTAIRE All I want to say is that I'm just as screwed up as everybody else. EDDIE MURPHY The gods help them that help themselves. AESOP Education makes a people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern but impossible to enslave. LORD BROUGHAM A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. SANDBURG "Home Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. BUTLER It's not the size of the ship, it's the size of the waves. LITTLE RICHARD Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. ROSE The most difficult secret for a man to keep is his own opinion of himself. PAGNOL When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. HOFFER I could prove God statistically. GALLUP We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish. CULKIN I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT The greatness of a man can nearly always be measured by his willingness to be kind. YOUNG Voting is simply a way of determining which side is the stronger without putting it to the test of fighting. MENCKEN Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing. SCHWEITZER When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. BOREN Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. ADAMS Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. LINCOLN When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else. PRYCE-JONES A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. BACHARACH Civilization is the lamb's skin in which barbarism masquerades. ALDRICH Parents of young children should realize that few people will find their children as enchanting as they do. BARBARA WALTERS To say nothing, especially when speaking, is half the art of diplomacy. DURANT A little inaccuracy contains a world of explanation. AYRES If you would know what the Lord God thinks of money, you have only to look at those to whom he gives it. BARING If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat. DE BEAUVOIR Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. BENNETT If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. CHEKHOV The cinema is for us the most important instrument of all the arts. LENIN I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since. TOSCANINI The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease. BILLINGS Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. BRANDEIS Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal. ELIOT The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them. GERROLD The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. JESSEL Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. DILLER Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. STEELE He is a legend in his own mind. Middle age is when a narrow waste and a broad mind change places. The mind is like a parachute. It functions only when open. Mud thrown is ground lost. A political war is one in which everyone shoots from the lip. A procrastinator is someone with a wait problem. Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.