Derelict of the Year 1999
Winner
Congratulations to Steve Phillips.
Nominations
- Martin Juras
- Bruce Bayly
- Virgil Pierce
- John Costello
- Dave Ropp
- Steve Phillips, Transportation Challenged
- First-Year Applied Students
Martin Juras
The Tucson police department is a watchful bunch, keeping a ready eye on our fair city. Many of us are familiar with their heavy patrolling of city streets, keeping traffic flowing at a safe and steady place. Some people, however, insist on pushing the bounds of the law. Martin Juras, with his sleek sports car capable of un-American speeds, was one such person, and bought a radar detector in hopes of speeding through neighborhoods unnoticed. However, Martin also bought a nice stereo for his car, and turned the volume up so high that he couldn't hear the radar detector warning him of an approaching speed trap. We hope it only took that one ticket to teach Martin that speeding and loud music don't mix.
Bruce Bayly
B is for the bed of nails he lay upon
when the Physics Department ran out of volunteers.
R is for his raucous laugh heard everywhere
which everybody in the building hears.
U is for his "under" dog, Han Solo, which he brings
to work, and which seems to get under everything.
C is for Catacoustic Groove, a group a capella
where he shows that he's the most bassest kinda fella.
E is for the energy he brings to everything.
That's why we wanted him voted derelict this spring.
Virgil Pierce
We, the first year pure students, would like to nominate Virgil Pierce for derelict of the year. Below is a list of his qualifications:
1). Drinking and watching Star Wars until wee hours of the morning and then getting dropped off at the Math building to sleep so he wouldn't miss the OPTIONAL Topology class (on Dead Day).
2). Driving to Phoenix in a friend's car and causing an accident on the way there and getting a flat tire on the way back.
3). For just being Virgil; i.e. he doesn't know his birthday; he makes his morning coffee with bottled water; he can't sleep so he does Topology homework until 7am; etc....
John Costello
There is a man, John Costello,
who studies applied math and Aikido.
He sleeps till noon
In the computer room,
Using a math book as a pillow.
Dave Ropp
Dave Ropp, It was fun the first time...
I believe that the time has come to break new ground in honoring dereliction by awarding Dave Ropp the derelict of the year. My decision was based in the following events that stand as lighthouses shining light on the life of a man who like Art Fortgang embodies a colorful character and dereliction.
point 1: The cow
When one thinks of a drag party, the images that pop up are really ugly bearded women ( ask Karl Bauer ) and Craig Savage dressed in leather (again...). Dave helped redefine my expectations by coming as a heffer. This cow came with an udder and all, and believe me it was a sight to see. It's not every day you see a disco dancing cow...
point 2: The 'fro
If you look at a major Phoenix newspaper ( which shall remain nameless, mostly 'cause I am too lazy to look it up...) and see their special article on afro's, you will see a picture of none other than our own Dave Ropp with the biggest damn head of hair that you've ever seen. Dave, in his interview with the newspaper, made sure to point out that: " It ( the hair ) is in fact all my own". Air in the hair, a novel idea in the 70's, has fallen out of favor as of late but deep down, admit it, you think it's cool...
point 3: The parrot
It's amazing how easily I can fit two animals ( the cow & parrot ) into a nomination for Dave. If you look at the cover of "A day in the life..." special issue of the Daily Wildcat, you will find a picture of Dave with a parrot. I would like to take this opportunity to dispel any rumors that you may have heard about the nature of their relationship. They are just friends...
point 4: saving the derelict of the year
Don't you think that someone that has been here as long as Dave should be thinking about something other than the Derelict of the Year? Just when dereliction was starting to give way to an morally wrong work ethic that has us working nights and weekends, here comes Dave to show us the way.
It is clear to me, that the man deserves this honor more than once. If you have doubts, just think of the cow...
{subliminal words in small print: Vote for Dave and people with think you are sexy and your students will suddenly love math}
Steve Phillips, Transportation Challenged
A Victim of Many Winters Arrives in Tucson
Steve drove his beloved car, an Olds88, cross country from Massachusetts to Tucson, getting out to push it over the Rockies and some of the hillier Midwestern states.
A great car. Upon entry it lovingly embraced you in fabric draping down from the roof. Steve refused to use thumb tacks to attach the insulation back to the roof: "Ducking while I drive is good exercise".
The rust holes in the doors were seen as a feature: "I don't need air conditioning with this great breeze, and besides I get better fuel efficiency because the car weighs less".
With a car this fine, you'd think Steve would take good care of it. But no, he neglected it, leaving it parked outside in the cruel heartless world, instead of parking it in the garage it deserved. As we shall see, this chick mobile proved very popular...
The Bike, on Arrival in Tucson
The bike had two tubes, both flat. It had two derailers, one of which even worked on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Pointing out these deficiencies only brought looks of amazement: "Biking is good exercise".
When some of the other grad students secretly inflated the tubes his only comment was: "Wow, it's so much easier to ride". The derailer cable remains unfixed.
Theft #1
With fine vehicles such as these, it's easy to see why Steve is the envy of all his neighbors. Not getting the attention it craved, his car decided to find a new owner. One of his friends, who lives many miles from Steve, received a phone call: "Hey, did I forget the car at your place the last time I was over? Are you sure it's not there? Please go outside and check!" After several hours of deep thought Steve reached the inevitable conclusion: "The damn thing's been stolen!"
The insurance company refused to believe that such a fine vehicle could be stolen, and would not pay the (substantial) Blue Book value of the car.
Recovery
Fortunately the fine law enforcement officials in South Tucson located his car. They knew it was Steve's; nobody else drove a bluish brown Olds88 with Massachusetts plates. Not believing his good fortune, he accepted a ride to the impoundment lot.
At the lot the proprietor said "Your car?" and handed him a screwdriver. Slightly befuddled, Steve asked for an explanation. The proprietor explained: "The car has been made more efficient. No longer will you need to waste time finding your keys. Just reach in through the busted window, open the door, and stick the screw driver into the steering column. Pull the screwdriver towards you to start the car."
Undaunted, Steve decided to invest in a theft prevention device: he placed a black plastic bag across the hole left by the former window!
Eventually the insurance company did pay to have the windows replaced, doubling the actual value of the car. However, as a memento of this adventure, Steve has not had the ignition, turn signals, windshield wipers, or headlight controls fixed, so none of these luxury features work anymore. He also left the impound number painted on the windshield "So it's easier to find at the Mall".
When parking the car he insures its security by removing CENSORED (description of key electrical components deleted for security reasons). He claims that using his screwdriver to start the car is not hot wiring, but merely a less fancy type of key.
Theft#2
No longer desiring to put his car in harms way, Steve started to commute exclusively on his fine bicycle. When exactly the theft occurred nobody knows. All we know for sure is that some evil bastard said "That's a mighty fine bicycle saddle" and stole it.
Steve's resilient spirit refused to be daunted by this crime. Offers of a replacement seat have been refused: "Riding standing up is good exercise!" (His friends suspect it's because he refuses to buy the seat post).
The Future
It's always difficult to predict things, especially things happening in the future. However, there does seem to be a trend of riding standing up starting on campus. Furthermore, several grad students are considering using the same efficient key-less ignition techniques to obtain new vehicles of their own.
One thing is for sure: the adaptability Steve has shown while dealing with these crises is a model we should all follow!
First-Year Applied Students
I hereby nominate the _surviving_ first year applied students for an as yet undisclosed reason. Photographic evidence will be supplied if (that's only one direction) we receive the Derelict of the Year award.
Think of this as the Grab Bag nomination.
Trust me, you'll like it.