Derelict of the Year 2010

And The Winnders Are:

1st place: Casey "Dereliction is a Lifestyle" Warmbrand
2nd place: Jared "F*** this place" Hoag
3rd place: Richard "$5700" Gottesman

Congratulations to all the winners and thanks to everyone for voting!

Committee comments: Clearly, there were many deserving winners this year. Casey won on the weight of this career performance, but Jared deserves serious props for a solid showing. Richard added comic relief to the whole contest which the committe appreciates. For future DOTY's, Patrick Waters must be seriously considered after his strong start in the minor leagues. He has talent and could develop into an excellent derelict. For career achievement, Tom LaGatta set the bar for himself: in google scholars, he is not the first hit on a search for "LaGatta Shape." A fine fellow from Tempe (a most wretched of slums) named Dominick LaGatta patented a septic tank and has 6 citations since 1978. Tom has 32 years to get his paper cited and attain the top hit in the search or he will be honored as a career derelict.

Party Info

Matt Pennybacker and Michael Bishop's Place

Sunday, May 16th, 6pm

3014 N Cherry Ave

Head North on Campbell, Take a Left at the Crosswalk at Blacklidge just past Nico's, Take a right at the stop sign. It's the first (ish) house on the left.

Shane Passon

A poem from Shane:

The week is nearly o'er,

with respite soon to come.

On food and beer and cheer,

I think I'll get me some.

From the lobby 'round five

I'll depart then arrive

At Zachary's... to drink some

Please join me for happy hour

Everyone knows Shane takes happy hour a little too seriously, but did he just say he was going to "get some" at happy hour?

Tom Lagatta

Having his cell phone go off in the middle of his PhD defense is going out in DOTY style.

Richard Gottesman

I nominate Richard Gottesman for running up $5700 in late fees. How you ask? He had over 30 books checked out from the library and failed to notice the switch of campus email accounts to catmail. Notice after notice went unheeded until poor Richard had to register this spring. The books were considered lost for all time and he was charged for the replacement. His derelict-ness can be quantitatively measured and deserve serious nomination.

To the Unknown Prospective

The prospective student who sliced his foot at the recruitment workshop deserves serious consideration eventhough he is not yet a student here. He decided to do a handstand in his hotel room between events. He fell over and slammed his foot into a glass table slicing it seriously. He had to be driven to a emergency care center in south Tucson instead of UMC across the street for insurance reasons (side nomination for health care plans). Upon reflection, he admitted that it was the stupidest thing he had done. He was accepted into the program no doubt because he highlights the sort of character and student we want here at Arizona. Such foresight should be honored by the doty.

I was the one who drove the prospective student mentioned in the earlier nomination to urgent care, and I believe his name was Patrick Waters, in which case he is indeed coming here next year. Shane can probably confirm this.

Casey Warmbrand

In these tough economic times, it's important for men and women to base their decisions on simple criteria. If we apply this philosophy to the Derelict of the Year, voting is a mere formally. No man, woman, or elevator has had a career of dereliction comparable to Casey Warmbrand. Although this year may be his "Training Day", a sub-optimal effort awarded to recognize career achievement, 2006 was his "Malcom X", a masterpiece of true inaction. He only failed to win that year due to a superior effort by Ben Polletta, a hall-of-fame derelict.

Art Fortgang laid the foundation of dereliction. Ben Levitt built a house on that foundation. Two men: Polletta and Warmbrand, perfected Levitt's model, and used it to build a beautiful city on a hill. Dereliction is NOT a taste for Pei Wei, a misguided attempt at dying oneself blue, or a wasted night making a boring youtube video. Lest we forget! Lest we forget: dereliction is an art. It is a lifelong effort: a result of an unbreakable bond between a man and his craft, and it's demonstrated in our own halls every day with aplomb. Use your vote this year to recognize the last of the four true masters. Prevent the looming dark age that comes with ignorance of the glorious inertia of these fine men. Destroy the petty replicas of their work and rejoice! Rejoice, for there remains one last master of dereliction in our ranks.

Jared Hoag

Jared "Dartmouth Guy" Hoag exemplifies the true spirit and history of the DOTY. Entering with a master's degree from Dartmouth, Jared started off the year confident, perhaps overconfident, in his ability to breeze through the core courses and the quals. In the spirit of Art Fortgang, Jared was known to frequently run off to California, (although his destination was ~~armpit~~ Bakersfield, not San Francisco) chasing after one girl or another, leaving his College Algebra class to be taught by whichever of his colleagues he could guilt trip into covering for him that day, and his delighted students wondering when they might next see their instructor.

Jared threw himself with gusto into the standard first-year core classes, but demonstrated his true affinity with old "Arty" by (unofficially) withdrawing from his courses with dignity midway through second semester. When asked to write him a letter of recommendation, one of his professors commented, "I really wish you had turned in the midterm, so that I would have something on which to recommend you." Nonetheless, when he wasn't fixing (with bubble gum and duct tape) one of his three broken motorcycles or running off to California after one of his future ex-girlfriends, Jared could be found in his 6th floor office playing video games or discussing the Matrix movies, webcomics, or one of his ex-wives/fiancees/girlfriends with his easily-distractible office-mates.

Let us always remember Jared's parting words, as he left our dear University for bigger and better things (the fledgling PhD program at Texas Christian University): "I don't understand why I got fired," and of course, "F**k this place."