Derelict of the Year 2006
Winner
Congratulations to:
- Ben Polletta, Derelict of the Year 2006
- Second Runner up: ????????????????????????
- Third Runner up: The Elevator, for erupting into fire, trapping a human, and taking out the power to the entire math building, the day before the Derelict party
Party Information
Father Alan Newell's abode. April 29th, 1-5pm. 330 Indian House Road,, south of 5th Street between Craycroft and Wilmot. Maps:
Nominations
- Anya Petersen
- Ben Levitt
- Ben Polletta
- Brad Weir
- Casey Warmbrand
- David Morales
- Elevator
- Grant Peterson
- Ildar Gabitov
- John Kerl
- Matt Johnson
- Rob Pawloski
- Second Floor Door
- Selin Kalaycioglu
- Tom LaGatta
- Tommy Occhipinti
- Yuliya Gorlina
Anya Petersen
Ride around the rink
Your desk sits forevermore
Empty, never again
Hard Anya
It is said, to be a good graduate student, one must give one's all to graduate school. Dereliction is, in essence, giving less than one's all... to grad school... and giving more than one's all... to something else! That something else might be beer, or sex, or travels to San Francisco, or any of a myriad of things we need not enumerate fully here.
The nominee under consideration certainly gives her all... to rollerskating! (And to kicking the shit out of other girls!) Don't believe us? We ourselves were uncertain at first. Numerous members of this illustrious department spotted numerous Anya-lookalikes at various skating events around town, but the lookalikes went under the name “Hard Anya” and whizzed by us so quickly that we could never be sure of their true identity. Fortunately, we eventually obtained hard photographic proof and documentation, and now we can be sure: Anya and Hard Anya are one and the same!
This sad tale of documentation begins with a spread in the March 2005 issue of The Downtown Tucsonan. Let us now turn to page 8 of that eclectic publication. (Dear reader: in this modern electronic and paperless age, to turn to page 8 you must actually click your electronic rodent assistant device on the thumbnail to the right.)
But the ultimate proof occurs in the Event Program for one of Anya's boutful bashes (or bashful bouts?). Just turn to page 15 of that program, and note how our very own department is one of Hard Anya's hangouts! Let's just hope no other rollergirls come looking for her here, ready to pick a fight!
Finally, if by now you're body is quivering in anticipation of more skating action involving our very own Hard Anya, including some girl fights (ugh!), we lead you astray with the following images and movie of Hard Anya in action! But before you stop quivering, be sure to quiver your derelict vote towards Miss Anya “Hard Anya” Petersen, Derelict of the Year 2006!
Ben Levitt
I'm a bit confused by these nominations. Why are people who are smart so they don't have to do work derelicts?
Whatever happened to slackers who don't do work not because they don't need to, but because they just don't give a fuck. Screw all of these smart first year students who don't have to work. Lets reward a true lazy bastard whose unproductiveness has gone unrecognized for too long.
For this reason I nominate Ben Levitt. They guy embodies the true meaning of not doing stuff for they sake of not doing stuff. He has been here longer than most first years have been alive. Ben has bumped up the average years till graduation by a whopping 1.67 years. Not for his own lengthy stay, but mainly by his constant chatter in the computer lab. Whether it be politics, music, cinema, digestive diseases, religion, and sometimes things almost related to math, Ben surely has opinions. If you have 1.67 years, he will gladly share them with you. If you don't have the time, screw you, he will share them with you anyway.
However, Ben's stay here at Arizona has not been wasted in vain. He has dedicated himself to owning every record for every one of those stupid games that nobody else even knows exist. We owe it too ourselves, the esteemed colleagues of the soon to be Dr. Levitt, to at least name a computer after him. And I implore you DOTY, honor Ben properly, make it the slowest computer the department owns. Don't let this true derelict go without his due recognition.
PS I forgot to mention, Ben is just plain weird.
Ben Polletta
Hey everyone,
Pani and Selin were wondering if anyone has a video camera that they can use on Monday night for departmental purposes. Please let them know.
Thanks,
Ben Polletta
Ben 'Imelda' Polletta
As is well known, Polletta and co-nominee Tom LaGatta spent their first year in intensive training under DOTY 2004 Alex Perlis. Over the past two years, 'Imelda' has distinguished himself by his persistent tardiness, indecision, and lack of seriousness. He has all the makings of a champion. But don't take my word for it; his stats speak for themselves.
Academics
- Lateness: Polletta is consistently 5-15 minutes late for classes and meetings, and he manages to be even later for morning classes. He is consistently 1-2 days late with assignments, moreso at the end of the semester. In three semesters with Dr. Pickrell he racked up only five on-time assignments, and both of his two other core professors reprimanded him for late assignments. For many fans, his unforgettable lateness on the first day of the August 2005 Applied Math Qualifying Exams proved beyond a doubt that he is the latest student in the department.
- Cellphones: Despite his amazing cellphone-losing streak, Polletta always seems to have a phone on him in class. It almost always rings, and his patented 'double-ring' - where his phone rings twice in one class - keeps professors guessing.
- Eating: Occasionally breakfast, frequently lunch, Polletta prefers messy, smelly foods. Special highlights include the ginger porkchops in the Fall 2005 Methods Core and the spaghetti and meatballs in the Fall 2005 Geometry Core.
- Indecision: Even after signing with Applied Math, Polletta has maintained the most powerful inability to decide between pure and applied math in the department, inviting comparisons with greats Erin McNicholas and Luis Naranjo. He shows no sign of picking an advisor or even a research area, and this academic season he's been talking about getting an MFA.
Teaching
- Testing: Although his average on the 2005 College Algebra Final was a mediocre 70%, his first-outing test average in Fall 2005 was a semester-lowest 55%. The only other first-year TA who's come close to those numbers is Dan 'F is for Failure' Reich.
- Grading: Polletta likes to save up his grading, doing it all at once before each test. This strategy allowed him to earn the Spring 2006 record for being behind in his grading: 9 assignments.
- Office hours: His students and office mates are constantly wondering where he is.
- Website: Polletta has no teaching website, frustrating his students' attempts to find out what he assigns for homework.
- Tutoring room: Again, he's managed to be at least 5 minutes late to every tutoring session this year. He's missed so many sessions that rookie Jen Leahy has taken to calling him on his cellphone when tutoring time comes around.
Extracurricular
- Fellowships: His fellowship applications are nearly always late, and he missed close to 30% of the biomath seminars the year he received the fellowship. Some say this is how he's managed to escape a second biomath fellowship, although the late applications can't have hurt him there.
- Bagels: He doesn't have the grace of a Kalaycioglu or the speed of a Hallmark, but Polletta has been a solid bagel- and cookie-stealer in the Graduate, Mathematics, and Applied Mathematics Colloquia.
- Parties: While he can't keep up with LaGatta or his former mentor, Polletta has put up solid party-hosting numbers every semester.
- Los Alamos Days: In a feat of endurance, Polletta and fellow second-year Milos Ivkovic stayed out drinking until 3am all three nights of Los Alamos Days 2006. Some think this accounts for his astounding inability to get a job there this summer, despite a connection with Mac Hyman.
- Cellphones: Here, Polletta is clearly unparalleled. He lost 3 cellphones over a period of 2 months in Spring 2005, and a total of 4 cellphones in that academic year. On the heels of his triumphant lateness at the 2005 Quals, he dropped his phone in a kiddie pool, rendering it nearly useless.
- Shoes: This is another area where Polletta excels. Since signing with the U. of A., he's bought 11 pairs of sneakers, and shows no signs of slowing down. In addition to earning him his nickname, this has allowed him to squander his biomath award in record time.
- Self-Promotion: This is relatively new facet of Polletta's career, but he recently got off to a strong start by writing his own DOTY nomination.
Looking at these numbers, what becomes clear is that Polletta is consummate derelict. He seems incapable of doing what he's supposed to do when he's supposed to do it. He squeezes by on the minimum amount of work, has his head lodged firmly in the clouds, and takes his sweet time making up his mind. This shows in the aggravation of those who interact with him; it shows in the stagnation of his graduate school career; and it shows in the smiling faces of the fans, young and old, who love and vote for him.
Brad Weir
April 17, the day taxes must be postmarked by.
9:08 PM, well after the post office is closed.
"Is it going to look weird if I file my 2005 taxes before my 2004 ones? Do you think I can e-file an extension?"
Casey Warmbrand
Two quotes heard within 10 minutes of each other:"I could have looked up the elevator puzzle on the newsgroup. I was just too lazy."
"Why wasn't I working? Because I hate working!"
Casey Warmbrand
"I didn't want to go to class today because the classroom is too hot."
Casey Warmbrand
David Morales
Coming soon to a theater near you...
David Morales as the corrupt priest Father Abraham in the soon-to-be released film Cristos.
http://www.vientofuego.com/movies/cristos/cristos.html
Mathematician by day, aspiring actor by night, and soon to be excommunicated...
Elevator
Dear curator of the museum of derilects:
I submit to you a nomination, for your consideration. In view of the guaranteed anonymity, a friendly challenge is enclosed in it as well, open to all who read it.
Included within the nomination there's the first clue in a scavenger hunt to find my real name, and a codeword. If you feel so inclined, it would be marvelous if you posted the nomination to your internet site /~doty, as well as announcing the puzzle to the department through your DOTY email (in the spirit of fair play). The more the merrier, I say!
Let me know if you have questions...
Sincerely,
Torsten Morisake
(nomination follows)
---------------------
The Elevator and the Puzzle by Torsten B. Morisake, Sr.
Here's a nomination for the derelict of the year.
Verse was recommended, so strange poetry you'll hear.
I nominate the elevator, although it's won before;
A new annoyance has cropped up, for those on second floor.
You see, I'm really hoping that the elevator will win.
Then I'll really have a chance at reaching class on time again.
With button pressed to go on up, and visit higher floors,
The stupid thing, it never comes, you only see closed doors.
You hear it pass you by one time, perhaps it's going down;
But then it passes by again, and now you have to frown.
You press the button several times, although the light is lit.
The lift goes by again and again, you start to curse at it.
Now you're late, you have to run, up five, six flights of stairs.
Too late to hand in homework, and your teacher doesn't care.
For now there is an answer, a stopgap while you wait;
Press both buttons (first go down), but better than being late.
I know it makes but little sense, but you'll just have to trust,
Like shifting right a function, its x-minus not x-plus.
You may think this funny, if you don't live on floor two;
Go ahead and laugh, my friend, but it could happen to you.
One day you'll be going to class, the up button you'll hit.
Ten minutes later you'll still be there, yelling "Stupid piece of $#!4."
By the way, these nominations anonymous they be,
But are you up for a bit of fun, a little mystery?
Yes, this is a puzzle, challenge, scavenger hunt and game.
Can you figure who I am, and find my real life name?
If you need a hint, a clue, to start you on your way,
Search my name on Google Groups to start this game to play.
Oh, I almost forgot to say, that when you figure me out,
Send me an email with the codeword to my math account.
The codeword will be seven long, letters and numbers too.
The third one I will give you here, it is the letter U.
If you send the password, and it's the one that's right,
A prize there'll be, if you're the first, and with that, to all goodnight!
Elevator
For 2006, I nominate the Math Elevator #1 for not stopping at the 2nd floor going up. If it has already been nominated, I second the nomination. Even if it doesn't win, I think we should stencil "DERELICT" all over the elevator anyway, or at least the elevator entrance on the 2nd floor. And what's with the Emergency Instructions inside the elevator that say, "1. Use the emergency phone to call for help." What phone?
Grant Peterson
Here is a nomination, in multi-haiku (5-7-5 syllable) form:
Class is starting now
Grant begins the assignment
It is due todayGrove picks up his chalk
Seven paragraphs will come
Grant picks up his penOn blank white paper
A thing of beauty is born:
"Let A be a ring ..."
Grant Peterson is the derelict's derelict. A direct quote: "Some weeks I just can't get into it. In fact, some semesters. The spring semester is shot for me. If we could just have the fall semesters, that would be great."
Grant, in spite of (or perhaps because of!) his deadline-pushing methods, still manages to (successfully!) pull it off with aplomb and roguish charm. The man is a genius; he is the season in our first-year stew. How will we woo him back from the sociology department?
Ildar Gabitov
This year, Dr. Gabitov has occasionally shown up to his class in PDEs.
John Kerl
Topology time
John pulls out his nail clippers
We are all annoyed
Matt Johnson
The following is a tale, in limerick form, of course, from Matt's adventures in the dark and mysterious world of out-of-department classes:
In Linguistic territories uncharted,Rob Pawloski
Johnson's attendance was rather half-hearted.
When once an hour EARLY,
He complained, rather surly,
"How was I supposed to know when class started?"
Grad tea will be hosted by Joe McMahon this semester, as something has come up and Rob cannot make it.
Second Floor Door
Selin Kolonyasi
(In the tradition of and partly stolen from Finnegans Wake)
Kalolonycyasioglu, S. She wends to scoulas in her slalpers. She sendstwo Turk to Tucson, Brn & Km. Heavysciusgardaddy, parent who offers sweet- Abnegation is meats, will gift uns her Noblett's surprize: leafy necklace. Too tittle tiny tantyhose. Adaptation. With this laudable purpose in loud ability let us be singulfied. Betwixt me and thee hung cong. Item, mizpah ends.
poteschmocks and featerungis, sbeerdrink and whishoots'kn, (She like them like us, me and you, had thoud he n'er it would haltin so lithe when leased is tacitempust tongue). Oots! Dyed she grain wait. Oots! quick smoking. Oots! Under the libans and the sickamours, the cyprissis and babilonias, where the frondoak rushes to the ask and the yewleaves too kisskiss them-selves and 'twill carry on my hearz'waves my still waters reflections in words over Margrate von Hungaria, her Quaidy Turkaways and her Flavin hair, to thee, Kyerkin, ahoy, beyond the boysforus.
This is thee horny ones! Skool so boooring. Whoevery heard of such a think? Did you see her spinach her quals! Snot get. Sure, she fell in line with our tripertight photos as the lyonised mails when we were stablelads together like the corks again brothers, hungry and angry, cavileer grace by roundhered force, or like boyrun to sibster, me and you, shinners true and pinchme, our tertius quiddus, that never talked or listened. Where's Selin? Where's Selin?
Tom LaGatta
Can we forget Tom LaGatta? No -- though try we may -- we cannot. Tom has, at some level, the best interests of the department at heart -- covered in a deceptive abrasiveness, like an asparagus/bacon wrap, a devotion/dereliction sandwich. He wooed many of us first-years back in March during the recruitment workshop, showing us -- truly -- the warmest arms the department has to offer. He has super-TA'ed the challenging geometry-topology core course with a challenging, feet-up-on-the-couch, no-chalk-for-me, you-figure-it-out attitude. He has aggressively assumed the role of graduate colloquium coordinator/cat-herder/curmudgeon for 2005-2006. In doing so, he has managed to fill the speaker's list, for every single week of the academic year -- perhaps alienating most of the speakers who eventually succumbed to his insistent wheedling. But: bagels were to be had, and now we have at least two reasons that the sun will rise in the morning. Last but not least, Tom has given the rest of us beige-wearing, mild-mannered math grads a true fashion maven to which to aspire. I offer the attached photos, from the infamous "Orange Thursday", as evidence for the committee.
Tom LaGatta
I hate to rub it in his face, but Tom should be defending his dissertation by now. Instead, he's busy chatting with weirdos on the internet, partying with his students, and getting maturity lessons from his 8-year-old roommate. Now it's the end of his second year, and we're all praying he scrapes past his orals. Uh, Tom? Can you get your fucking act together?
Tommy Occhipinti
Sounds from the hallway
Analysis, almost over
Tommy's wheeling in
Tommy Occhipinti is the apotheosis of grad students. He excels even in the subjects he dislikes. Unfortunately, this means he doesn't need to show up all the time, let alone *on* time. His new airport-ready rolling backpack is awesome, though!!
Yuliya Gorlina
There is a young woman from Caltech
Whose boyfriend looks just like Ben Affleck.
"I can draw sphere;Come to Grove's class? No way in heck."
I don't need to be here.She is almost as smart as Cam;
Her disciple, I confess that I am.
She knows all the topologyYou'll see her in class for the exam.
And the algebra by golly-gee --
Most of us first-years are working harder than we ever have in our lives. Not Yuliya Gorlina; no. For her, the UA is a welcome vacation from the rigors of the California Institute of Technology. While the rest of us quietly weep, Yuliya sings through the hallway, a smile on her face!