All opinions expressed in this website are well-reasoned and insightful. Needless to say, they are not those of the Department of Mathematics at the University of Arizona, nor necessarily those of its staff, faculty, students, and lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itchin' for a fight. (This disclaimer shamelessly stolen/adapted from the Whad'Ya Know Quiz.) To protect the innocent and guilty alike, robots like Google are instructed to ignore these pages.

Derelict of the Year 2006

Winner

Congratulations to:

Party Information

Father Alan Newell's abode. April 29th, 1-5pm. 330 Indian House Road,, south of 5th Street between Craycroft and Wilmot. Maps:

Nominations

Anya Petersen

Ride around the rink
Your desk sits forevermore
Empty, never again

Hard Anya

It is said, to be a good graduate student, one must give one's all to graduate school. Dereliction is, in essence, giving less than one's all... to grad school... and giving more than one's all... to something else! That something else might be beer, or sex, or travels to San Francisco, or any of a myriad of things we need not enumerate fully here.

The nominee under consideration certainly gives her all... to rollerskating! (And to kicking the shit out of other girls!) Don't believe us? We ourselves were uncertain at first. Numerous members of this illustrious department spotted numerous Anya-lookalikes at various skating events around town, but the lookalikes went under the name “Hard Anya” and whizzed by us so quickly that we could never be sure of their true identity. Fortunately, we eventually obtained hard photographic proof and documentation, and now we can be sure: Anya and Hard Anya are one and the same!

This sad tale of documentation begins with a spread in the March 2005 issue of The Downtown Tucsonan. Let us now turn to page 8 of that eclectic publication. (Dear reader: in this modern electronic and paperless age, to turn to page 8 you must actually click your electronic rodent assistant device on the thumbnail to the right.)

But the ultimate proof occurs in the Event Program for one of Anya's boutful bashes (or bashful bouts?). Just turn to page 15 of that program, and note how our very own department is one of Hard Anya's hangouts! Let's just hope no other rollergirls come looking for her here, ready to pick a fight!

Finally, if by now you're body is quivering in anticipation of more skating action involving our very own Hard Anya, including some girl fights (ugh!), we lead you astray with the following images and movie of Hard Anya in action! But before you stop quivering, be sure to quiver your derelict vote towards Miss Anya “Hard Anya” Petersen, Derelict of the Year 2006!

Ben Levitt

I'm a bit confused by these nominations. Why are people who are smart so they don't have to do work derelicts?

Whatever happened to slackers who don't do work not because they don't need to, but because they just don't give a fuck. Screw all of these smart first year students who don't have to work. Lets reward a true lazy bastard whose unproductiveness has gone unrecognized for too long.

For this reason I nominate Ben Levitt. They guy embodies the true meaning of not doing stuff for they sake of not doing stuff. He has been here longer than most first years have been alive. Ben has bumped up the average years till graduation by a whopping 1.67 years. Not for his own lengthy stay, but mainly by his constant chatter in the computer lab. Whether it be politics, music, cinema, digestive diseases, religion, and sometimes things almost related to math, Ben surely has opinions. If you have 1.67 years, he will gladly share them with you. If you don't have the time, screw you, he will share them with you anyway.

However, Ben's stay here at Arizona has not been wasted in vain. He has dedicated himself to owning every record for every one of those stupid games that nobody else even knows exist. We owe it too ourselves, the esteemed colleagues of the soon to be Dr. Levitt, to at least name a computer after him. And I implore you DOTY, honor Ben properly, make it the slowest computer the department owns. Don't let this true derelict go without his due recognition.

PS I forgot to mention, Ben is just plain weird.

Ben Polletta

Hey everyone,

Pani and Selin were wondering if anyone has a video camera that they can use on Monday night for departmental purposes. Please let them know.

Thanks,

Ben Polletta

Ben 'Imelda' Polletta

As is well known, Polletta and co-nominee Tom LaGatta spent their first year in intensive training under DOTY 2004 Alex Perlis. Over the past two years, 'Imelda' has distinguished himself by his persistent tardiness, indecision, and lack of seriousness. He has all the makings of a champion. But don't take my word for it; his stats speak for themselves.

Academics

Teaching

Extracurricular

Looking at these numbers, what becomes clear is that Polletta is consummate derelict. He seems incapable of doing what he's supposed to do when he's supposed to do it. He squeezes by on the minimum amount of work, has his head lodged firmly in the clouds, and takes his sweet time making up his mind. This shows in the aggravation of those who interact with him; it shows in the stagnation of his graduate school career; and it shows in the smiling faces of the fans, young and old, who love and vote for him.

Brad Weir

April 17, the day taxes must be postmarked by.

9:08 PM, well after the post office is closed.

"Is it going to look weird if I file my 2005 taxes before my 2004 ones? Do you think I can e-file an extension?"

Casey Warmbrand

Two quotes heard within 10 minutes of each other:

"I could have looked up the elevator puzzle on the newsgroup. I was just too lazy."

"Why wasn't I working? Because I hate working!"

Casey Warmbrand

"I didn't want to go to class today because the classroom is too hot."

Casey Warmbrand

David Morales

Coming soon to a theater near you...

David Morales as the corrupt priest Father Abraham in the soon-to-be released film Cristos.

http://www.vientofuego.com/movies/cristos/cristos.html

Mathematician by day, aspiring actor by night, and soon to be excommunicated...

Elevator

Dear curator of the museum of derilects:

I submit to you a nomination, for your consideration. In view of the guaranteed anonymity, a friendly challenge is enclosed in it as well, open to all who read it.

Included within the nomination there's the first clue in a scavenger hunt to find my real name, and a codeword. If you feel so inclined, it would be marvelous if you posted the nomination to your internet site /~doty, as well as announcing the puzzle to the department through your DOTY email (in the spirit of fair play). The more the merrier, I say!

Let me know if you have questions...

Sincerely,
Torsten Morisake (nomination follows)
---------------------

The Elevator and the Puzzle by Torsten B. Morisake, Sr.

Here's a nomination for the derelict of the year.
Verse was recommended, so strange poetry you'll hear.

I nominate the elevator, although it's won before;
A new annoyance has cropped up, for those on second floor.

You see, I'm really hoping that the elevator will win.
Then I'll really have a chance at reaching class on time again.

With button pressed to go on up, and visit higher floors,
The stupid thing, it never comes, you only see closed doors.

You hear it pass you by one time, perhaps it's going down;
But then it passes by again, and now you have to frown.

You press the button several times, although the light is lit.
The lift goes by again and again, you start to curse at it.

Now you're late, you have to run, up five, six flights of stairs.
Too late to hand in homework, and your teacher doesn't care.

For now there is an answer, a stopgap while you wait;
Press both buttons (first go down), but better than being late.

I know it makes but little sense, but you'll just have to trust,
Like shifting right a function, its x-minus not x-plus.

You may think this funny, if you don't live on floor two;
Go ahead and laugh, my friend, but it could happen to you.

One day you'll be going to class, the up button you'll hit.
Ten minutes later you'll still be there, yelling "Stupid piece of $#!4."

By the way, these nominations anonymous they be,
But are you up for a bit of fun, a little mystery?

Yes, this is a puzzle, challenge, scavenger hunt and game.
Can you figure who I am, and find my real life name?

If you need a hint, a clue, to start you on your way,
Search my name on Google Groups to start this game to play.

Oh, I almost forgot to say, that when you figure me out,
Send me an email with the codeword to my math account.

The codeword will be seven long, letters and numbers too.
The third one I will give you here, it is the letter U.

If you send the password, and it's the one that's right,
A prize there'll be, if you're the first, and with that, to all goodnight!

Elevator

For 2006, I nominate the Math Elevator #1 for not stopping at the 2nd floor going up. If it has already been nominated, I second the nomination. Even if it doesn't win, I think we should stencil "DERELICT" all over the elevator anyway, or at least the elevator entrance on the 2nd floor. And what's with the Emergency Instructions inside the elevator that say, "1. Use the emergency phone to call for help." What phone?

Grant Peterson

Here is a nomination, in multi-haiku (5-7-5 syllable) form:

Class is starting now
Grant begins the assignment
It is due today

Grove picks up his chalk
Seven paragraphs will come
Grant picks up his pen

On blank white paper
A thing of beauty is born:
"Let A be a ring ..."

Grant Peterson is the derelict's derelict. A direct quote: "Some weeks I just can't get into it. In fact, some semesters. The spring semester is shot for me. If we could just have the fall semesters, that would be great."

Grant, in spite of (or perhaps because of!) his deadline-pushing methods, still manages to (successfully!) pull it off with aplomb and roguish charm. The man is a genius; he is the season in our first-year stew. How will we woo him back from the sociology department?

Ildar Gabitov

This year, Dr. Gabitov has occasionally shown up to his class in PDEs.

John Kerl

Topology time
John pulls out his nail clippers
We are all annoyed

Matt Johnson

The following is a tale, in limerick form, of course, from Matt's adventures in the dark and mysterious world of out-of-department classes:

In Linguistic territories uncharted,
Johnson's attendance was rather half-hearted.
When once an hour EARLY,
He complained, rather surly,
"How was I supposed to know when class started?"
Rob Pawloski

Grad tea will be hosted by Joe McMahon this semester, as something has come up and Rob cannot make it.

Second Floor Door

   

Selin Kolonyasi

(In the tradition of and partly stolen from Finnegans Wake)

Kalolonycyasioglu, S. She wends to scoulas in her slalpers. She sendstwo Turk to Tucson, Brn & Km. Heavysciusgardaddy, parent who offers sweet- Abnegation is meats, will gift uns her Noblett's surprize: leafy necklace. Too tittle tiny tantyhose. Adaptation. With this laudable purpose in loud ability let us be singulfied. Betwixt me and thee hung cong. Item, mizpah ends.

poteschmocks and featerungis, sbeerdrink and whishoots'kn, (She like them like us, me and you, had thoud he n'er it would haltin so lithe when leased is tacitempust tongue). Oots! Dyed she grain wait. Oots! quick smoking. Oots! Under the libans and the sickamours, the cyprissis and babilonias, where the frondoak rushes to the ask and the yewleaves too kisskiss them-selves and 'twill carry on my hearz'waves my still waters reflections in words over Margrate von Hungaria, her Quaidy Turkaways and her Flavin hair, to thee, Kyerkin, ahoy, beyond the boysforus.

This is thee horny ones! Skool so boooring. Whoevery heard of such a think? Did you see her spinach her quals! Snot get. Sure, she fell in line with our tripertight photos as the lyonised mails when we were stablelads together like the corks again brothers, hungry and angry, cavileer grace by roundhered force, or like boyrun to sibster, me and you, shinners true and pinchme, our tertius quiddus, that never talked or listened. Where's Selin? Where's Selin?

Tom LaGatta

Can we forget Tom LaGatta? No -- though try we may -- we cannot. Tom has, at some level, the best interests of the department at heart -- covered in a deceptive abrasiveness, like an asparagus/bacon wrap, a devotion/dereliction sandwich. He wooed many of us first-years back in March during the recruitment workshop, showing us -- truly -- the warmest arms the department has to offer. He has super-TA'ed the challenging geometry-topology core course with a challenging, feet-up-on-the-couch, no-chalk-for-me, you-figure-it-out attitude. He has aggressively assumed the role of graduate colloquium coordinator/cat-herder/curmudgeon for 2005-2006. In doing so, he has managed to fill the speaker's list, for every single week of the academic year -- perhaps alienating most of the speakers who eventually succumbed to his insistent wheedling. But: bagels were to be had, and now we have at least two reasons that the sun will rise in the morning. Last but not least, Tom has given the rest of us beige-wearing, mild-mannered math grads a true fashion maven to which to aspire. I offer the attached photos, from the infamous "Orange Thursday", as evidence for the committee.

Tom LaGatta

I hate to rub it in his face, but Tom should be defending his dissertation by now. Instead, he's busy chatting with weirdos on the internet, partying with his students, and getting maturity lessons from his 8-year-old roommate. Now it's the end of his second year, and we're all praying he scrapes past his orals. Uh, Tom? Can you get your fucking act together?

Tommy Occhipinti

Sounds from the hallway
Analysis, almost over
Tommy's wheeling in

Tommy Occhipinti is the apotheosis of grad students. He excels even in the subjects he dislikes. Unfortunately, this means he doesn't need to show up all the time, let alone *on* time. His new airport-ready rolling backpack is awesome, though!!

Yuliya Gorlina

There is a young woman from Caltech
Whose boyfriend looks just like Ben Affleck.
"I can draw sphere;
I don't need to be here.
Come to Grove's class? No way in heck."

She is almost as smart as Cam;
Her disciple, I confess that I am.

She knows all the topology
And the algebra by golly-gee --
You'll see her in class for the exam.

Most of us first-years are working harder than we ever have in our lives. Not Yuliya Gorlina; no. For her, the UA is a welcome vacation from the rigors of the California Institute of Technology. While the rest of us quietly weep, Yuliya sings through the hallway, a smile on her face!

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