All opinions expressed in this website are well-reasoned and insightful. Needless to say, they are not those of the Department of Mathematics at the University of Arizona, nor necessarily those of its staff, faculty, students, and lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itchin' for a fight. (This disclaimer shamelessly stolen/adapted from the Whad'Ya Know Quiz.) To protect the innocent and guilty alike, robots like Google are instructed to ignore these pages.

Derelict of the Year 2007

Winner

Congratulations to:

Party Information

Nominations

Anya Petersen

(Editor's note: Intrigued voters may wish to consult the 2006 nomination for Anya Petersen.)

To the tune of Aqua's Barbie Girl:

C'mon Anya, let's go skatin',
ah-ah-ah-yeah,
c'mon Anya, let's go skatin',
ah-ah-ah-yeah.

I'm a rollergirl, in a roller world,
Life in motion, what a notion!
You can knock me down, trip me all around,
Derby pleasure, the game's our treasure.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, with sadness I must inform thee that Hard Anya is leaving the old pueblo for the big apple. Let us send her off with our most coveted award and honor! Whereas our department will never forget our dear mathematician Anya, the old pueblo will never forget their bitchin' skater whose jersey is now a permanent fixture on the wall of a downtown watering hole. With Anya leaving us for the big apple, we are left only with this virtual memory.

Doug Ulmer

The Smooth Manifold Blues

I wake up each day and I read John Lee
I don't think it'll ever make sense to me
I feel like I got my back up against to wall
Won't you send me an angel, help me pass that qual!

You know I dreamed about a manifold last night...
don't know if it was smooth, but it sure made me feel all right

You know that this class is kinda surreal
They call it analysis supposedly real
Everyone in the room has a half-vacant stare
I asked him a question, and he almost fell over a chair

Well, Dr. Ulmer was at the party til dawn;
The rest went home but he stayed til the beer was gone

I stayed up all night to get my algebra done
I still gotta teach, it ain't gonna be fun
All the kids in my class can tell that I'm fallin' apart
How could it be? I was behind before I could start

I can't help feeling something just ain't right;
I'm dreamin in math at night!

Joseph “doduff” Stover

“Joey”
As sung by Michaelette T. Napolitano of Concrete Blonde.
Dedicated to Joseph “doduff” Stover —
In honor of his near-tenure status as a grad student soon to be entering his 7th year in the Applied Math program.
You can find the tune here for singing along: http://www.myspace.com/healitup.

Joey, baby — don't get lazy
Detours. Rock bands. You must defend.
I've bagged on you a lot before,
for not working in the core,
but your advisor seems to
support you so much more.
You'd miss class from time to time
I'd hear that you went to rock climb,
And once I saw you ditch class to rock out on the mall!
Ooooh Joey if you're working I'm in awe!
Joey, honey — you got VIGRE money.
You're at Epic. Laptop open.
But instead of seeing Chapter 1,
I see you're picking out a gun
To shoot at zombies and those
big ant things on the run.
If you'd just compute those sums
Well then you won't end up a bum.
And if you're somewhere finding
stationary distributions galore,
ooooh Joey I'm not angry anymore!
Instead of writing Chapter 2,
You're eyeing climbing shoes
And mapping out a
5.11 route or two.
If you'd just compute those sums
Well then you won't end up a bum.
And if you're somewhere writing
dissertation pages galore,
ooooh Joey, I'm not angry anymore!
   .... angry anymore

Kathleen “five pages” Holm

In the class Philosophy of Mathematics we were required (as grad students) to write a 10-page paper on the philosophy of math (the undergrads were only required to write a 5-page paper.) So of course all of the grad students in the class wrote a 10-page paper, except Kathleen. She decided, “To hell with the professor's rules, I'm only going to write 5 pages, I don't care about this class”. Amazingly, she got a better grade on her paper than any of the other grad students.

The commonly accepted theory is that the professor mistook her youthful appearance and enthusiasm for philosophy of mathematics for that of an undergrad. For the second paper that we were required to write, ALL students had to turn in a 10-page paper. True to form, Kathleen only turned in a 6-page paper (with a rather large font...). Now that her appearance as an undergrad won't save her, we eagerly await her grade.

In yet another example of dereliction, she once slept, without waking up at all or even moving, for a full 55 minutes in class (of a total 1 hour and 15 minute class). This was directly in the professor's line of sight. Moreover, she was slouched over into the chair next to her and possibly drooling. She did manage to wake up 5 minutes before class ended and nod her head “yes” when the professor asked if we understood what Frege's argument against Anti-Platonism was.

Kathleen “Roxxy Slide” Holm

Our beloved Mathleen, as she is known in this fair town, has joined a team of spelunkin' up-to-no-good miner chicks. More need not be said.

Math Elevator

(Editor's note: Intrigued voters may wish to consult these previous nominations for the elevator: 1994, 2002, 2006.)

For Derelict of the Year, I do hereby nominate the incomparable, the one and only...... Math Elevator. I believe that once again the Elevator deserves our consideration. As if on cue this year, it decided to “act up” right when a call for nominations went out. I mean, if it can plan its outages that well, and wants it that much, then I think the least we can do is honor it with such a distinguished award. It's time that we have a repeat winner.

While we're at it, I believe that the Elevator deserves not only our votes for this year's dereliction award, but also a special lifetime failure award. The Elevator has a long and distinguished history of dereliction, surpassed by none. It was an original nominee, and a past winner. Has a year gone by when it hasn't trapped someone in its claustrophobic confines? Or caught on fire and been out of service for an entire summer? Or performed its newest trick of trying to trip people on their way out?

Consider this when voting: the Elevator apparently has a mind of its own, and if you fail to honor it, you may just be the next victim.

Ben “Strictly Bizniz” Dyhr

Cleverly disguised seen roaming the halls of this building with a paper bag over his head, only Strictly Bizniz Ben would put his work aside even more to continue the great DOTY tradition. If you can even find him, that is. He's probably off in some previously unexplored canyon on a multi-day excursion into nature.

Andy Lebovitz

Ladies and gentlemen of the committee:

I know we all can name certain individuals who don't give a damn. But, in the words of the esteemed Dr. Newell, that's a *passive* sort of dereliction. Let's nominate an *active* derelict. That's right — someone who's going out of his/her way to avoid mathematics at all costs.

There can be no better exemplar of this paradigm than our own Andy Lebovitz.

Milos Ivkovic

Editor's note: It is with sadness that we must remove the following nomination,

Milos Ivkovic entered the PhD program in Mathematics in January 2004, passed his qualifying exams in August 2004, and did his comprehensive exam with Professors Gabitov and Vasic in Fall 2006.

He has published five papers in the mathematical and engineering literature (with two more in press) and has given several talks at major international conferences.

He is also a dedicated educator who, in addition to teaching basic courses, has mentored students in the department's senior level modeling course.

Lastly, Milos has been selected to receive the Daniel Bartlett Memorial Fellowship for summer 2007.

But he STILL has not defended his dissertation!! Pick up the pace, Milos!

due to the following request from none other than Milos himself: 

From: "Milos Ivkovic" <milos@math.arizona.edu>
Subject: Re: Nominate Derelicts Now!
Date: Sat, 5 May 2007 14:07:47 -0700
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain;
format=flowed;
charset="iso-8859-1";
reply-type=original
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit

HI guys, 

Please take my name of the list of derelict nominations. 

Milos

In honoring Milos's request, we have removed his name from the ballot. And we can probably surmise an implicit request from Milos that no one write in his name. So whatever you do, don't vote for Milos.

Robert “Professor Smurf” Indik

Tuesday, May 8th, the Academic Office staff were ready to use the AED for the first time. When Rob Indik approached Brooke about a white board announcement, Brooke didn't hear a thing, because she was shocked at the site of his blue skin. She expressed her concern, suggesting he must have some kind of heart or circulation problem. Terri suggested he sit down, preparing to take vital signs from Rob. Yvonne laughed.

Rob explained to us how he got the blue hue: He and his wife had bought a set of navy blue sheets, and since he takes his shower in the evening, Rob woke up in a blue mood, so to speak.

The Academic Office staff now affectionately refer to Rob as “Professor Smurf”.

Abhishek Bhattacharya

Abhishek has laid permanent claim to various computers in the grad lab to do important work in statistics. He will indicate this by leaving a piece of paper with the words “Abhishek is here” near the computer, despite messages from the system admins that we are not to stay logged in for days at a time. Abhishek does not care about this rule, because he is doing important work in statistics that supersedes students' needs to check sports scores or go to CNN.com. Do not log him out or he will unleash his fury upon you, and tell you to “respect” his authority. (This mean you, Brad.) When Abhishek finds that he is logged out and someone is on his computer, he will yell at them, regardless of whether or not they are responsible for logging him out. He would be better served by putting this 10 minutes of fuming towards doing more important work in statistics.

Abhishek... great name for a lab computer!

There is a tradition of naming lab computers after the various winners of the Derelict award. How else to permanently enshrine this great achievement in the virtual reality of this department? For example, the computer nick in Math 103 is named after our very own Italian stallion (and fearless leader).

It is well known among the graduate students who have had to endure one of Abhishek's rages upon being discovered on his computer in the grad lab, that Abhishek has already laid claim to said same computer. But alas, dear friends, it does not bear Abhishek's name! And it cannot, because Abhishek has not (yet) won the Derelict award. Let us fix this shameful situation! Let us elect dear Abhishek to become Derelict, and let us name a computer after him. He will no longer have to write a note saying “Abhishek is here” and leave it by the computer. Instead, he will merely have to write “is here” and tape said same note right below the label “abhishek” that will grace the front of the computer. We will save busy Abhishek valuable seconds of note writing... valuable seconds in which to compute more chi-squared correlation coefficients!

Abhishek nominates Selin... we think... or is this an implicit self-nomination?!?

Fellow skater Selin sends out following e-mail to all graduate students: 

Subject: Let's go skating
From:    kalaycioglu@math.arizona.edu
Date:    Wed, April 25, 2007 8:04 pm
To:      gradstudents@math.arizona.edu

L e t ' s   g o   s k a t i n g   ! ! !
---------   ---   -------------   -----

When: Thursday, 26 Apr 2007, 8:00 PM to 10:00 PM
       (Leave home early to arrive by 8 PM.)

Where: Skate Country East, 7980 E 22nd St (by Pantano)

Map: http://www.google.com/maps?q=7980+E+22nd+St+Tucson+AZ+85710

Bring: Your own skates or blades, or rent them there.

The place where roller chicks have a "friendly" practice on Thursday 
nights (they promise not to beat you up), the place where the famous 
Barking Man (tm) and the famous Sidewinder (tm) will exhibit their 
special skills and try to score on you (if you're cute enough --- or 
not!), the place where the slices of pizza have been on display a few 
days (or weeks) too long, the place where you skate in circles with your 
friends and listen to the exact same music that was played the previous 
Thursday. A Tucson experience not to be missed! And your last
opportunity to hang out with "Hard Anya" Petersen before she permanently 
leaves the old pueblo for the big apple.

In response to Let's go skating (above), Abhishek sent Let's go studying (below):

Subject: Let's go studying
From:    "Abhishek Bhattacharya" “abhishek@math.arizona.edu”
Date:    Thu, April 26, 2007 10:08 am
To:      kalaycioglu@math.arizona.edu

I would suggest you to do some research instead. Your courses and  
research are also important, don't ignore them, especially on a week  
day.

Best,
Abhishek

Dearest voter, we leave it to your own best judgment to decide whether this is a nomination for Selin, or a self-nomination for Abhishek?!?

Abhishek... short and sweet

Abhishek

is

Here

DOTY Nominations (are themselves nominated!)

For derelict of the year, I would like to nominate Derelict of the Year nominations, whose quality has deteriorated and all creativity lost and has had to resort to nonsense.

This nomination is no different.

David Morales

(Editor's note: Intrigued voters may wish to consult these other nominations for David Morales: 2004 and 2006.)

As a scientist and mathematician, David Morales realizes the importance of getting one's name, opinions, and brilliant research into the public eye. This promising grad student has a bright future as a published scientist ahead of him; and to prove it, here is just a sample of his accomplishments on his way to becoming a household name.

Just last week (May 6, 2007 to be exact), a letter to the editor by this up and coming scientist was published in the Arizona Daily Star.

Here is a quote from that letter, shamelessly plucked out of context:

As a graduate student who has been in college for 10 years, I would agree with what Mark Twain said: &lrdquo;I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

(David) Abie Morales
Doctoral candidate in applied mathematics, Tucson

The nominating committee for David has dropped lots of cash in addition to dirty department secrets to inside sources to obtain highly confidential inside information on the title of his (soon to be) first successful Science publication on human origins. It is called: “Evidence of Growth in African Genes”.

That's right — you heard it here first. Soon you and your entire family will be discussing growth in genes along with the NON-density of rational numbers at the dinner table while David's picture graces the cover of the Time magazine waiting in the bathroom. It's a good thing that David uses his intellectual skills for good instead of evil: to uphold the highest American moral values and advance science into its next great paradigm.

Lisa Berger

for 2007 derelict of the year
who to choose is very clear
no other candidate even comes near
so raise your dixies filled with beer
let all of tucson hear the cheer
that derelisa berger is finally here
back from journeys throughout the land
her applications were high in demand
from california to the east coast
no other applicant could dare boast
her experience makes them all toast
she's the mathematician with the most
upon returning the entire building shook
not from her sneeze, but from the job she took
the one offer she could not overlook
professor of mathematics at stony brook
the contract is signed, but take one more look
derelisa berger is not off the hook
after years of hard work and never getting stressed
and checking email every 5 minutes with zest
pacing peacefully while pondering, she's the best
never worrying about a class or qualifying test
the great burden has been lifted off her chest
and now derelisa berger can finally rest
but warnings sound from near and far
especially when your advisor is the graduate czar
skipping the postdoc and going straight to teaching
sounds great, but may be over-reaching
your defense is in a month, so no more hesitation
now is the best time to start your dissertation!!!

Grant Peterson

Here is Grant. See Grant pick an RTG topic. See Grant realize — oh, in, say, NOVEMBER — that he doesn't like it. Grant asks Joe. Joe caves in. See Grant present his Fall 2007 RTG in April 2008. Go, Grant, go!

More proof for Grant Peterson

This nomination is to supplement the (somewhat uninspiring) nomination Grant Peterson has already received for Derelict of the Year.

The nomination consists solely of the observation that Grant Peterson has been, and continues to be, a slovenly person whose slack habits lead to gross dereliction of duty on all fronts.

As sole, and sufficient proof of this, we offer exhibit A: A photo of Grant Peterson in Mr. Potato Head pajama pants. Peterson is known to spend more than 50% of his waking hours wearing them, as he lounges watching basketball, other sporting events, awfully inane movies, or whatever else happens to be within the wide expanse of the remote control of his TV. The photo is slightly blurred, as Peterson was attempting to avoid incrimination by eluding the photographer. It should be noted that this photograph was taken after one o'clock in the afternoon, shortly after Peterson saw fit to drag his carcass out of his cave.

When confronted upon this issue, Peterson responded: “That's a gross exaggeration. It's more like 40 [percent].”

The prosecution rests.

Tom LaGatta and Jan Wehr

Recently I received a curious email from Tom LaGatta who is currently researching in France with his advisor Jan Wehr. Severely abbreviating the email, Tom wrote,

"After getting fat this semester from eating French cheese and riding the metro, riding bikes .... sounds sublime. I'm pretty sure Janek ... is a Bohemian. ... I definitely don't mind paying my fair share."

Very interesting, I thought. It turned out he was not kidding. Check out these photos of Tom and Janek I uncovered on the internet. The top photo shows the two before going to France. The bottom.... well you know what they say, when in France...

Tom LaGatta

(Editor's note: Intrigued voters may wish to consult the 2006 nominations for Tom LaGatta.)

Campaign statement:

Tom LaGatta was last year's GPSC representative by default, and since nobody else has joined the race, he will be this year's too. This means that he can write essentially whatever he wants here, and it really doesn't matter whether you vote for him or not. He's a shoe-in. Arizona student legislatures are famous for their corruption, and LaGatta has and will do nothing but exacerbate the problem. His last term was smeared with Caligula-like excess. The parties he threw with GPSC monies were legendary. His drunken bar fights at Council of Science meetings are well-known. He is an anti-democratic of the worst sort, appointing himself to lead various committees and personally hand-picking his successors. If (when) re-elected, LaGatta's next term is all-but-certain to be worse. And, since election deadlines are long since past, there's nothing you can do about it.

Election Results:

College of Science (2 seats):
72 Brian Jackson
55 Stephen W. Bieda, III
41 Michael Fickinger
28 Tom LaGatta

Selin Kalaycıoğlu

(Editor's note: Intrigued voters may wish to consult the 2006 nomination for Selin Kalaycıoğlu.)

Following in the footsteps of her mentor and roommate, Selin is no longer the innocent mathematician we once knew and respected. Instead, she has transformed into the Turkish Slammer, and is ready to beat you up in any one of the many dark alleys of Tucson. Don't mess with this Turk, or she'll slam you into the slammer and throw away the key!

Alex Petrov

Dearest DOTYard:

In the category of "Slack-Jawedness", I can think of no finer nomination than Alex Petrov, first year graduate student from the fine country of Bulgaria.

He displayed his excellence in Slackness of the Jaw in the first days of study here at the University of Arizona, with a scintillating example of the same. This display of slack-jawed superiority culminated in his personal conveyance by other fellow students to his place of abode, via the horseless carriage of one of said conveyors. (See attached photo, taken at an undisclosed location in the elevator of the Math Building.) Identities have been inadequately concealed to give the appearance of protecting the innocent.

We also modestly insert that the name of “Petrov” would admirably suit the conspicuously absent windows computer of room 225, and suggest that a suitable placard, made of finest white printer paper, be commissioned to reside there.

Yours in a spirit of dereliction,
Anonymous Pseudonymous

Alex/Aleks Petrov... I second that!

Dr. Doty,
I would like to second the nomination for Mr. Petrov in the category of dereliction. It would also be warranted to clarify the given picture. It would appear that he might be in a slightly “less than intellectual” mindset. This is completely true and needs no comment. The clarification would be that the picture was taken the evening before proctoring his first ever exam as a TA. The screams derelict.

As an additional consideration, Aleks insists on spelling his name without an x. This is probably some sign of eastern superiority, but I prefer to think of it as a misspelling that he continues to fail to correct. Thus, I humbly submit my proposal for Alex/Aleks Petrov.

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