Derelict of the Year 2016

2016 Winners:

1st Place: Ben Holman, Philip Hoskins and Phil Strzelecki
Lifetime Achievement Doty Winner: Math Elevator

Party Info

TIME AND DATE: 8pm on Friday, May 6th
LOCATION: 1635 E Blacklidge Dr
Parking Instructions: please park along Blacklidge Dr.
Feel free to bring food, drinks, or donations.

Nominations

Cornelius "Corn" Cornwallis
Lucas Mattick
Professor Mikhail Stepanov
Ben Holman, Philip Hoskins and Phil Strzelecki
Dan Rossi's second pair of shoes
Jerry Luo 1
Jerry Luo 2
Jerry Luo 3
Our beloved math elevator
Math Elevator (for a lifetime achievement DOTY)

Cornelius "Corn" Cornwallis

I would like to nominate Cornelius "Corn" Cornwallis for the 2016 Derelict of the Year. Cornelius was a 500 pound bull calf from Castell, TX who joined us after his untimely demise over spring break. He was unfortunately killed by a hunting party consisting of several graduate students from the department. While he never actually took a course at Arizona, he was the main course at several weekend cookouts in March and April. Therefore his eligibility is without question. Further, the cow had it coming. Not only was he delicious, but he also broke free of his pen and trespassed onto private hunting land. And what did this delinquent bovine do next? He disguised himself as a 350 pound feral pig and proceeded to gorge himself from a corn feeder meant to attract wild hogs, not calves! For his dereliction, he paid the ultimate price (and the hunters paid $1000). It is thus fitting that he be recognized as the 2016 DOTY.

Lucas Mattick

Few of us remember Lucas Mattick. He was gone so fast, few of us got to meet him. Early in his first semester here, Lucas realized that a Ph.D. was not really for him. What he wanted, more than anything, was to climb. So, naturally, he stopped attending his classes so he could spend his time climbing.

Lucas's prompt resignation hearkens back to the earliest derelicts, and is in keeping with the finest traditions of the title Derelict of the Year.

Professor Mikhail Stepanov

"A Russian professor comes to an American university, where he is assigned a to teach a Calculus course. Unfamiliar with our ways, he approaches the department head, and asks what material he should cover. 'Oh, you know, the usual stuff: limits, derivatives, integrals.' is his reply. The professor expresses his understanding, and off he goes.

After the first day of classes, our Russian protagonist returns to the department head, and asks, 'so what do you want me to cover for the second lecture?'"

Mikhail Stepanov told this joke to his Methods of Applied Math students in the Fall 2015 semester, and then went on to live the joke. Under the impression that Methods was a one-semester course, he tried to sprint through the entire year's worth of material in less than half the time. Before his mistake was realized, he managed to shake two first-year students.

Ben Holman, Philip Hoskins and Phil Strzelecki

We Three Grads
(Adapted from John Henry Hopkins, Jr's We Three Kings)

We three grads of Tucson are;
Bearing guns we traverse afar,
Desert and I-10, moor and mountain,
Seeking state of lone star.

O calf of wonder, calf of might
Calf with royal beauty bright,
Mistook for pig, behind a twig,
They shot you in perfect light.

Born a Calf on Texas’s plain
Lead I bring for your brain,
Young forever, ceasing never,
Tis for us, you’re now slain.

O calf of wonder, calf of might
Calf with royal beauty bright,
Mistook for pig, behind a twig,
They shot you in perfect light.

Glorious now behold his meat,
Barbecues for many weeks;
Alleluia, Alleluia!
Rings through the Tucson streets.

O calf of wonder, calf of might
Calf with royal beauty bright,
Mistook for pig, behind a twig,
They shot you in perfect light.

Dan Rossi's second pair of shoes

They had big shoes to fill. Anyone who was around the department between Fall 2012 and last October (or so) might recognize Dan's first pair of shoes, a pair of orange and gray Airwalks (or Vans? does it matter?)--they were perfect-- "Damn comfortable", Dan probably called them. They were his ideal shoes from the beginning until their inevitable (unfortunately) shelving after three years (at least) of hard use, during which time they were Dan's only pair of shoes except for his qual prep-era summer flip flops. Now that I think of it, at some point Pair 1 became another pair of flip flops, if what defines a flip flop is that the shoe flips and flops around the wearer's exposed foot while in use.

After their retirement, Kobe-like in that it came years too late, Pair 1 was replaced by Pair 2, some rather nondescript all-black (an expression of mourning?) lowtops that were substantially less chunky than Pair 1. I assumed that these would last the rest of Dan's time in graduate school, so I was shocked and appalled on Dan's behalf that after only a few short months Pair 2 had been replaced due to a fatal malfunction!

So we are on Pair 3 now, a distinctly athletic pair of Nike cross trainers in Dallas Cowboys colorway. Will their arc be more like that of the Pair 1? Will it be like that of Pair 0, which, Dan's college friend says, was retired only after a plot to steal and destroy one of its constituents (actually)? I do not know, and I do not hope to predict the future here. Rather, I simply hope to properly acknowledge the failure of the Derelict Pair 2 with a DOTY.

Jerry Luo

I nominate Jerry Luo for DOTY for, well, dereliction of his own duty to earn a DOTY. It is not enough to be brash and rude and to suggest (at least I took it this way) that it is a form of racism to eat food made by white people when in LA. After last year's stunning performance Jerry has, amidst the violently churning tide of a hundred inadvisable moves undertaken by the great Soleh Dib, utterly failed to even enter the fray. This, I believe, is a brilliant solution to the problem of seeming to want the 'award' too much, so brilliant that the approach almost undermines itself--almost, but not quite.

Jerry Luo, our local folk hero

Based on a portion of "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss

Beware!
Today is Jerry's day.
We're not sure who invited him.
But He's here to stay!

He has brains in his head.
He has a mouth on his face.
The two are not connected
and he has never known his place.
He's on his own and he knows what to do.
He doesn't have to listen to the likes of you.

Look at the people around you, look 'em over with care.
See all of them thinking, "please don't go there."
With his head full of opinions and no desire to get along,
he's too smart not to tell you you're wrong

You may not find anything
that's safe to discuss.
You might want to go home
like the rest of us.

It's safer there,
and with clearer air.

Here fights might break out
if it weren't for those
who drag their loved ones away
before things come to blows

But when he starts to talk,
smile and nod, keep a straight face,
and don't take it personally
when he insults half the human race

Oh, the places Jerry won't go!

Jerry Luo

Incumbent DOTY Jerry Luo has spent the past year vying for his palce in history as the first back-to-back winner. Rather than attempt to record his entire resume here, I instead ask you to consider this one small glimpse into a night of vintage Jerry dereliction.

Recruitment weekend. In his usual manner, Jerry began the evening by insulting nearly every recruit. One might think that this is not an effective recruiting technique, but Jerry only recruits the worthy. After moving to the next venue for the evening, Jerry continued testing the recruits by asking them to state Maxwell's equations. Those that proved their worth were rewarded by being kept well-hydrated for the remainder of the evening. By the end of the night, Jerry's enthusiasm for recruiting reached such levels that he began to shout about Hamiltonians. The bartender was forced to come out to the patio and threaten to kick him out.

Yes, Jerry was an excellent recruiter -- UCLA is sure to have some outstanding students beginning this fall.

Our beloved math elevator

I would like to nominate our beloved math elevator, which after many years of (interrupted, unreliable) service, is finally about to give up the ghost. What will the math department be without our weekly Elevator Out of Service emails?

In closing, I quote the famous Ken McLaughlin:
"Why, elevator, why?

The elevator continues to baffle us all. O cruel machine! I offer this, which will certainly appease all of our frustrations: a humble haiku.

Elevator
Frustration panting pain
Neither up nor down"

Math Elevator (ME)

In my humble opinion, there is only one possible DOTY that merits consideration: the math elevator (ME). For years, indeed decades, the ME has dominated the collective fears of all residents of the math building. It would be too difficult of a task to chronicle every event of ME malfunction this year, and I’m sure the math servers are heavily bogged down by terabytes worth of cached emails regarding elevator repair, caution, and exasperation. ME has been a DOTY winner in the past, and been nominated many times. For one final hurrah, this year’s DOTY should be ME. Here are a few highlights over the years:

In a final act of dereliction, ME will be out of service for at least three months, and let’s be honest - likely longer.
This year (from the head himself): "The time has come to bid adieu to the Tower of Terror portal, otherwise known as the Mathematics Building main elevator... there will not be a functional elevator to service the math tower during the summer. We are still trying to get a timeline and guarantees that the elevator will be operational before the Fall semester begins. But so far, the estimate has been "it'll be ready in about 3 months”.”

2002 (winner): "Haven't we all been comforted, at one time or another, by the creaking, grinding and popping of ME #1; clearly an attempt to recreate the "sounds of the womb" and make members of the department feel relaxed and soothed.”

2007 (nominee): "Has a year gone by when it hasn't trapped someone in its claustrophobic confines? Or caught on fire and been out of service for an entire summer?”

1994 (nominee, and a nomination I am particularly fond of):
"What goes up, must come down,
But our elevator is nowhere to be found.
Push a button, choose a floor,
Well, this elevator doesn't stop there anymore.

Forced to use the stairs, some chose walking staffs,
While most graduate students just developed iron calves.

All fear being trapped in mid-floor elevator hell,
For one time or another, we all have heard “the bell.”

From all its goofy antics, it could not be more clear, That our dear old elevator is the Derelict of the Year."

As we are aware, the math elevator will be repaired this summer - the crooked spine of our precious building will finally be straightened. This will likely be the last year for ME DOTY nominations.

For all these reasons, the math elevator deserves DOTY and should surely be recognized with a lifetime achievement award for unabashed dereliction.

Regards,
a 7th floor denizen